Tag Archives: Wtf America

WTF America: The Squeaky Red Cog (Chapter 31)

Johnson! My Wax!

Working in the US provides some strange fringe benefits.

The squeaky red cog


It’s labor day in America. The day of discount mattresses. There are huge sales happening today, and I have become a man that now works these sales. Each day I’m toiling in the retail mines, loading dust covered merchandise into the carts bound for the surface. Once those carts reach the surface they are taken by myself, and others, and hammered and worked into deals. We’re not making the merchandise, I’m not working a sewing machine, I’m not spinning or harvesting cotton. I’m just a man putting clearance stickers on boxes of shoes.

Yes dear readers, after 5 years of unemployment back home, and around 18 months of self-employment as a wordsmith I have joined the regular working world. That world where you’re expected to be at a place, at a time, to do a thing, for 40 years until you die, and you get paid every few weeks a set amount. So that’s nice.

Because of something akin to an NDA I am unable to talk about the specifics of where I work and the practices therein. Also, because I’m not a dullard that wishes to lose his job, I’m not telling you where I work, or when I work, or who I work with. Any names referenced have been changed to protect the employed.


WTF America: Ronald Reagan (Chapter 30)

Ronald Reagan


What could be a more fitting metaphor than religious monster trucks?

Religious Monster Trucks

So when I first considering this chapter, I figured that it would be about Ronald Reagan and memory, and I’d like to head you off at the pass if I may – I’m not taking pot shots at the man for having alzheimers. Largely I’m not taking pot shots at all. I don’t have an issue with Reagan’s memory, but a problem with the way he appears in memory.

Any catholic folk out there have more than likely run into a picture of Jesus. He’s on the candles, he’s on that sacred heart picture and all that. We have this collective image of Jesus, and if you pay attention to… anything outside of the Jesus myth you’re probably of the opinion that he wasn’t a fine haired, blue eyed, all American white guy, but a short middle eastern dude who just wanted to make the world a better place.

You can see the similarities in the Reagan story. And it is a story at this point. Ronald Reagan, for those of you that are young or hard of learning, was the President of the United States of America from January of 1981 to January of 1989, inclusive. He was a member of the republican party, and he did many things that presidents do. He said no to drugs, agencies under his purview funded terrorists and toppled regimes, and he pardoned turkeys every year. Also – how fucking sarcastic is it that the president of the US pardons a turkey on the same day as Americans consumer millions of them. Bet they make the pardoned guy watch. Sick bastards.


WTF America: Coffee (Chapter 29)


All or nothing

You see, it's a tiny biscuit, or a massive biscuit here. No in between.

Oh that bitter of brews, that hallowed of liquids, that most venerated of caffeinated beverages. Coffee. Americans love that shit. That inky bitter fluid, they love it hot, the love it iced, they love it in shots, the love it riced (Rice milk – get it?) It doesn’t matter the occasion, or the time of day, there’s coffee. In the morning there’s coffee, in the afternoon there’s coffee, there’s a hot black beverage in the evening, but maybe it’s decaf, or maybe it’s milky, or maybe it’s a quad shot espresso because you’re up all night.

And they are up all night. Because the coffee shops, unlike most, are open at 4am and 5am to cater to the early morning crowd. The coffee shops are open until 1am, or until 4am the next day, and there’s a coffee shop near my house that never closes during the college months because it’s right next to a college campus. Every hour of the night and day there are at least 4 or 5 people there, either getting an extremely early morning, or a very late night. I wonder sometimes if people are there sobering up after a night on the town. They offer coffee to sober up the drunk here, at least they do in the movies. Irish people are offered a door by which they can exit if they’ve had too much to drink.

It’s intrigues me, this coffee obsession, because I do not drink coffee. I make it in the morning for my American wife, I spend time at coffee shops with friends, I grind a bunch of it at the grocery store for my American wife to drink later. But I’ve never consumed it. I like my drugs to be a background hum, a subtle noise, just enough to take the edge off. A cup of tea in the morning doesn’t feel like it gives me a lot of pep, it doesn’t crank my eyes open and force me awake. But it’s absence will cause my eyelids to creak downwards in tiredness and crankiness. Similarly I vape to derive a low level of nicotine; I like to coast, I don’t like to race. But the way these people drink coffee, you’d think they had hot bean water instead of blood.

They’re bitchy, they’re irritable, they’re downright repellent in some cases before they’ve pounded a few salted caramel macchiato lattes. Don’t even talk to them until they’re had their red eye, or their green eye, or whatever cute name they’ve come up with for an unreasonable number of unreasonably espresso shots crammed into a cup. And they know what they like. Everyone that drinks coffee has the perfect method of making it, and they’ve got a perfect way of telling others how to make it too. A skinny latte, a soy cappuccino, a frappucino, a blended iced toddy, a steaming cup of whipped cream and ice cream, and pumpkin spice. All that shit to mask the taste of coffee. From what I’ve heard it’s bitter, so no wonder I see people putting 6 fucking packets of artificial sweetener in it.

No word of a lie – there are packets of artificial sweetener on the tables here. And they make it very well known what they are; they say aspartame, and sucralose, and all the rest on the back. I guess some people know that, so they go with the weird sugars instead, which apparently are becoming popular. Every few months someone has figured out a new way to derive sweeteners, both artificial and real from new sources. High fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, Cactus juice (It’s ‘agave syrup’ but my way is funnier) stevia, sugar in the raw, cane sugar in the raw, maple syrup, maple sap. I’d love to know which fucker decided that it was super healthy to put butter in their coffee. They call that bulletproof coffee, and I can only assume that’s because it forms some sort of impenetrable coating on the top that is akin to kevlar or ceramic plates.

Then the milk, the cream, the mix, the water, the whipped cream, the half and half, the ‘creamer.’ The soy, the coconut milk, the almond milk, the lactose free milk, the 2 percent, the whole, the skim, the…. fucking peanut water or something, or corn water. It’s coming. Wait and see the health nuts explode when someone manages to make a milk like substance out of kale, or artichoke hearts, or some other superfood. Skinny half-fat kale latte smoothies all round lads, with 4 heaping teaspoons of all natural, totally unnatural sweetener derived from some chemical run off from some industrial process.

I’m amazed there aren’t warring factions out there right now loading stones into slings because the other sides dares to use a paper filter instead of a hemp filter. People get very uptight about their coffee. There are coffee snobs, as there are any snobs, but the coffee people are all drinking essentially the same thing – hot bean infusion. They put it in french presses, because that’s the most pure coffee – it doesn’t pass through a filter. Or they put it in a keurig because that’s the most pure coffee – it’s a perfect individual serving. Or they put it in a Kemex, or a percolator, or an infuser, or it’s cold brewed, or vacuum siphoned, or it’s the most concentrated coffee known to man and it retails for thousands of dollars per bottle. Costs more than gasoline and champagne combined, which sounds like the world’s most decadent cocktail in a post-gasoline apocalypse. They should call it Sumatran whiz-bang. With half and half.

According to this here infographic that I stumbled upon, coffee is integral to the American experience. It became patriotic to drink coffee over tea after the Boston Tea Party apparently. 80 percent of Americans drink coffee, people will wait a full week out of every year on line for coffee. These people love the shit out of coffee.

And I’ll tell you why, most nervous of readers – they’re a jittery fucking people, with too much shit to do. I’ve noted that most days in America, aside from those holidays where people don’t work, are full. There’s work to be done, often 8-12 hours worth of it. There’s restaurants to visit, there’s coffee houses to go to, you need to socialize, you need to work out, you need to watch tv, you need to participate in the running of the Americans every Black Friday. There’s such a monumental amount of shit out there to fill your day with that I don’t believe your average American could do it all without the stimulated brought by that most legal of highs – coffee. Examine, if you will, the countenance of people in line for coffee in the mornings, especially when it’s busy. The baristas are hopped up, having necked a heroic amount of coffee during the wee hours of the morning. But the customers haven’t had their proper coffee yet. Some may have had a quick cup before they left the house to steel themselves against the trial that is getting to the coffee shop.

But most of them look pretty miserable. It’s the look of a drinker waiting for a pint at happy hour on Friday after a miserable week. It’s the look of a smoker walking to the all-night garage to get cigarettes after they couldn’t sleep without one more smoke. It’s that universal look of addicts that are super close to the score, but there’s something keeping them away from it. In this case it’s other addicts that had the good sense to get there earlier. I’m not bagging on coffee drinkers for being hooked – I’m hooked on nicotine, I get it all too well. I’ve worn that face while walking to the vape store after a night without my preferred stimulant.

The Americans I’ve met are generally ok people. No larger a population of assholes than one would expect, a few exceptional individuals, but no more so than any other population. “Never take an asshole on vacation,” someone used to say, “for you’ll only find one as soon as you get there.” Might have been my grandfather that said that, not sure. But I feel like the American people are tense, so the legal upper that is coffee suits them down to the ground. Their day is full, and can be made fuller with coffee. More activities can be crammed into those hours between sunrise and sunset, and with coffee the hours outside of those can be claimed.

They’re a tightly wound people. Just watch the outrage that happens when someone asshole tweets about some other asshole, and then asshole A apologizes, at which point no one believes them, because everyone took the liberty of flying off the handle immediately so they wouldn’t have to waste time doing it later. There’s a phrase – “Going postal” – that means people have completely lost the plot and shot up their office, which was usually a post office. This wasn’t coined lightly; it came into existence after a real-life series of shootings. The US went to war with Afghanistan a month after September 11th. I imagine the US scrambles the jets a lot. People shoot at each other, because someone was holding a pack of skittles, or a wallet, or a phone, and asshole A thought that was a clear and present danger to their life.

As a country, people love coffee. I don’t know if that’s what’s making them nervous, but I’m sure it isn’t helping. Your two main recreational liquids in this country are coffee and alcohol. You’d think the beer would cancel out the coffee, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Americans seem to fly off the handle with regularity and aplomb. It would be utterly foolish to suggest that the nation ban coffee. Foolish to suggest they ban anything, come to think of it. I just think it’s kind of poetic and appropriate that this country’s drug of choice is caffeine. The land of 5-hour energy, the land of pint cans of monster, and blitzkreig, and booty sweat. It’s a balls out screaming charge towards the future, and the grabby handed motion of collecting and exploiting as much time as humanly possible. Each coffee drinking American grabs their cup of joe in the morning, and pours liquid power into their veins. They’ve got shit to do son, so get the fuck out of my way, pour some of that thunderwasser into my mocha and lets get this shit done at breakneck pace.

WTF America: Hardly an ending at all (Chapter 28)

Hardly an ending at all

Copper jacket, or chocolate coating?

I purchased a moon pie in a gun shop.

So here we find ourselves, as I find myself, at the end of this particular journey. But much like journeys don’t really begin, this one doesn’t really end either. I’ve been musing only on the first year, and the other scattered weeks and months that I’ve experienced America for. There’s so much more to come, both in terms of a life here, and in terms of this book.

The way NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) works is that you have the month of November, just 30 days, to get 50,000 words down. It’s something I do every year because the only way to get better at something is practice, and what better practice for novel writing is there other than writing novels. The creative process is gamified in the best possible way – you have a little box to enter your word count as you write, and the more you update that box the closer you get to pushing a bar over a line. It externalizes the goal, and it turns creativity into filling bars. And filling bars tickles something in the gamer brain.

It’s almost like you’ve accidentally got a novel at the end of the month, as a side effect of filling those bars. They always say, don’t they, for they’re always saying things – “Everyone’s got a novel in them” and the purpose of NaNoWriMo is to make people externalize this novel. I’ve learned that not every novel that’s written is good, because I’ve got some junk lying around on hard drives and in cloud storage. But you wrote every day, and you had a plan, and you had a goal. That’s the reward, and that’s the lesson.

I hope to bring this lesson on board going forward, because writing about this country that I inhabit, this nonsensical land, the area between cold and baleful seas that they call America, has been wonderful. The support I’ve received for it makes me believe that this cobbled together mass of nonsense might have a shot. But we need more book before we can do that. This one’s too short, and there’s so much more America to experience. I couldn’t possible stop here, I’d be doing the country and myself a disservice.

People asked me about the things I didn’t cover. I was asked why I didn’t cover the meat ballet that is sports entertainment professional wrestling, and I must admit that’s a fantastic idea. I spent an hour or two researching the topic and realized there was so much more to it than I remembered from my viewership that lasted for a few years during the attitude era. The gimmicks, the violence, the consumerism, the hackneyed storylines, the simple villains and even simpler heroes. This is a marvellous topic to cover, however I need to get more experience with it before I can talk about it at length.

There’s so much that I haven’t done yet. I live in Arizona and haven’t visited the grand canyon. I haven’t seen the border fence that everyone assures me is full of holes, and those holes are full of Mexicans or Isis agents, possibly both. I haven’t experience enough of California to write more about it, and I would very much love to. The people are so pretty, oh so pretty, and I wonder if they’re as vacant as they’re made out to be. I haven’t been to the East Coast at all, I haven’t seen the amber waves of grain, I’ve never visited America’s hat. I haven’t driven a car here, I’ve never been to a car show, I’ve never seen a monster truck rear and snarl as the audience barks beer and peanuts over one another as yet another old chevy is turned into a pancake of its former self.

There’s the biggest mall in America, which you’d assume is the biggest mall in the world, and I haven’t seen its special brand of lunacy. I haven’t been exposed to the snows of the northern states that would, in a stroke, overwhelm every pitiful Irish snow flurry that I’ve ever seen  I haven’t experience beer pong. I was once promised shitty lattes at 3am by a friend in North Carolina, and I should probably take her up on that. I was also promised tea on a porch in the same state by another friend, and I should get in on that offer. I’ve never visited the south, never been in a truck stop, never attempted an “eat this massive steak and you don’t have to pay for the massive steak challenge,” though I’m fairly sure that’s an undertaking that no foreigner could manage without substantial training, and perhaps some surgical enhancement.

There’s so much more, and there’s a list as long as I am tall of the things I haven’t done. I haven’t touched on nearly enough topics either. American attitudes towards sex, I never talked about the movie or television business. There’s plenty of particles and parcels of American culture, pop and otherwise, that I just haven’t clapped eyes on yet, so I couldn’t possibly comment. It was Black Friday yesterday, and I didn’t head out to the local big box stores to see the frenzy. I can only imagine what that energy is like, as humans crush other humans against doors.

I’m also only in my first year of marriage. I’ve heard tale that this is the honeymoon period, and it will last for several years, so that’ll be fun to find out. I’m looking forward to a lifetime spent with this woman I met by telling her to “Make me a sammich, bish” during an online drinking contest on a news discussion website several years ago. Maybe 7 or 8 at this point. She’s been a wonderful guide to America, always willing and patient when I have stupid questions about American happenings. In fact most Americans I’ve met has been interested in explaining their culture, mannerisms, and quirks to me. Often I’ve found it more fun to play dumb that admit I know a little, because seeing someone try to explain why there’s whipped cream on their pie is often more interesting than assuming it’s because it’s delicious. And it is delicious. Oh by the way; if you microwave pumpkin pie, to heat it up a little, it’ll melt on your plate. See, I’m learning new things about this country and it’s weird customs every day.

I’d like to thank all of you that bothered to read this thing. There were calls all year to turn a rinky-dink set of images with curious captions into a book, and I was pleased to write every word of it. Sometimes examining an experience can fracture it, and then it can’t be reassembled into its component pieces. The magic leaves it, and then the memory goes a little fuzzy, and you wonder if it was magical at all. This is not like that at all. As I’ve written this month, people have been incredibly supportive, and I would like to thank you all. The intent of this book was to show the people back home just what kind of life I’ve been living over here, among these Americans, these people that eat cake for breakfast, these people that have religious breakfast cereal, and cathedral like malls. These people that drive cars that are too big, these people that put cheese on everything, and these people that have taken me in and made me feel like one of their own without trying to make me think like them, or be like them. Other than the pronunciation of aluminium, and youse can go fuck yourselves on that one. Five syllables for life.

Another hope is that maybe my American readers could see the migrants; the immigrants, with or without papers, with or without pale skin, with or without a funny language, with a little more compassion. I’ve certainly learned that Americans are a normal bunch of people, and I would hope that I’ve given them a more rounded understanding of Ireland, and of the Irish people. A little cross cultural exchange can go a long way, and I hope that I can be a part of that by asking WTF America.

And again to my readers and cheerleaders – thank you. Without you people this would just be a bunch of shouty words that I posted online, something that faded into the background noise of the internet and was forgotten. And remember that it’s not over. More than likely, this book will not only require subsequent additions, but it will also require substantial editing. Not everything that you’ve read will make it out into the world unmolested. This particular chapter is kind of a placeholder for now, because there’s a wrestling chapter to write, and a sitcoms chapter, and a car show chapter, and a road trip chapter, and so many more chapters to write. I will do my best to update the blog with some sense of regularity, but I don’t think I’ll be able to write every week. I don’t have enough things happen to me in a week to serve up hot steaming batches of WTF America, but I will be updating this book, and the blog, and everything else. There’s more America, and there’s plenty more WTF to get my hands on.

Thank you all for indulging me.

WTF America: A Relentless Abundance of Pie (Chapter 27)

A relentless abundance of pie

Clockwise from left: pumpkin, apple, apple

The pumpkin spice must flow.

So I’ve touched on thanksgiving before, in the chapter about how Americans eat. And this day, like no other in the American calendar is about consumption. For years it was about the food, the family, the togetherness. But most of all it was about the food. This year, with me being so far from family, and most members of Kimberlee’s family living in California, we held what we’ve heard called an ‘Orphans’ thanksgiving.’ The premise is simple – invite friends instead of family. Because you’ve got friends that are local, who aren’t going anywhere for thanksgiving, so someone elects to host and everybody comes over.

Kimberlee battered many items of food into submission and deliciousness over the course of several days. Homemade cranberry sauce, homemade gravy, cornbread stuffing with oysters, and an expertly cooked 13 pound bird. She cooked it in a paper bag, a practice that baffled me, but it’s hard to argue with the results. I had only been to one thanksgiving before this one, and it was a pretty different experience. Last year Kimberlee’s mother was living in the state, and we were stony broke, so we brought over some scratch made mac and cheese, because that’s what we had. We were still treated to abundance, as Kim’s mother laid on a spread that fed 5 or 6 of us.

Kimberlee’s mother is a religious woman, and I’ve long since hung up with altar boy robes and backed away from the church. Saying grace is also not something I grew up with, so her speech to open the festivities was an interesting spectacle for me. She made mention of the abundance of food, naturally, but we were also treated to a short oration on the treatment of native americans in the US, which I will not attempt to even paraphrase. It’s not like this information was particularly new to me, and it didn’t bring down the festivities, it was just interesting to see this perspective, on this day of great feasting. After one of the most filling meals of my life, I believe we watched a GI Joe movie, which has nothing to do with anything, but I felt it important to note the star spangled cap on this American experience.

This year felt very different. It wasn’t a small gathering of family. It was a party, of the much more decadent kind. I started drinking at 1.30, but fear not dear readers because I am well versed in marathon drinking. I’ve attended an Irish wedding or two, and that’s enough alcohol drinking training for most. The early part of the day was a few friends eating dinner, shooting the shit, and a little bit of cleaning up after ourselves. We went around the table saying what we’re thankful for, and most of what I said has been echoed in these pages before. It’s been a transformative year for me, and for Kimberlee.

This thanksgiving, I was very much looking forward to a feast. The year has had its highs and its lows, we’ve been broke, and now we’re in a spot where we could not only afford a feast, but we could afford to take our friends in. Being skint in America is not a fun experience, and to get this day where we could all throw caution to the waistband and eat and drink our fill several times over was very satisfying.

One of the main things in my thankful speech was how readily I’d been taken in by these strange creatures, these gun toting crazies, these people that drive cars that are too big, and these people that prepare feasts that are too large; these Americans. Not only did several guests provide a relentless abundance of pie, but everyone brought their kindness, and their generosity. People that I’ve known for barely a year came to my little flat with champagne, bourbon, chocolates, appetites and the aforementioned relentless abundance of pie. They brought with them a festive and thankful spirit. They also brought Cards Against Humanity, which if you haven’t played you need to get a copy of it. It’s an experience that is hard to match when you see half a dozen adults crack up into laughter because they have a series of cards that are the perfect answer for “________: kid tested, mother approved.” I’ll spare the gory details, but know this game isn’t for the weak of spirit, or the bruisable of sensibilities.

I think thanksgiving is a great idea. There’s no demand of gifts, it’s a secular holiday, and from what I’ve seen of it so far it inspires people to bring fun and generosity to the table, and to the party. I’m sure I sound a little gushy, but I don’t care – I’m amazed that the Americans I have met have been so welcoming. Within a few months of being here I already felt like I was being treated like an old friend, and now that I’ve hosted my first thanksgiving, I feel like I’ve known these people forever. It fills the heart in a way that makes the ribcage creak out with pride and joy.

But what would a WTF America chapter be without a little complaining. So to the topic that usually comes up around this time of year – consumerism. And specifically that consumerism that occurs around the most capitalist of days, Black Friday. For those not in the know Black Friday is the starting gun for the Christmas shopping, and there are deep discounts on a lot of items. The purpose of Black Friday is, generally, to drive people into a frenzy of buying, to stimulate the economy, or to fill in the ledgers of stores, or whatever the purpose is.

It’s not a kind sounding name, because it’s not a kind day, by all accounts. The trend of the day has begun to seep out into the days around it, with stores opening on thanksgiving itself for ‘Grey Thursday.’ There’s an online equivalent called Cyber monday. Retailers are extending the shopping beyond the day itself in each direction, and there’s a lot of talk of hollow consumerism. The trend has apparently begun spilling over into the UK too. There’s no excuse for it there, there’s no thanksgiving to follow. Some consumers that went out for the spectacle and the bargains this year noted that people were buying shit that they didn’t want or need, because they’re caught up in the frenzy. There’s a helpful website called Black Friday Death Count that keeps track of the injuries and deaths caused by tramplings, or customers shooting each other, or using mace on one another, because they really really wanted a $12 waffle iron.

This is the flip side of the abundance. If retailers can drop their prices this far it makes you wonder where the profit is coming from. Or it makes you wonder if the stuff that people will step over each other’s battered bodies for is worth anything at all. There’s so much shopping to be had in America, and this day, Black Friday, is like D-Day for buying shit. Most of it shit you don’t need. I’ve seen people on social media decry the tradition, but still go out to grab something because the lure of sales is too good. You’re not saving any money by the way – when you buy something, you have less money than you did before. No matter how deep the discount, you will always lose money on a transaction where you give some of your money away.

After a day of feasting, and relaxation, you’d think people would have enough. But this is a very commercialized country. There is no ‘enough.’ I don’t tar all Americans with this brush by the way – there are plenty that aren’t involved in this spectacle-fight they call shopping. But those that do make the most noise, because they will coldcock someone for a fucking tickle-me-elmo, which the child will likely stop giving a shit about before the batteries even run out. I get that shit is cheaper today, sometimes in excess of 50 percent off, but honestly you don’t really need it. It’s not important what it is, or how much you think you need it, you probably don’t. There are black friday sales for cars, for fucks sake. Such a major purchasing decision should not be made based on who can turn up to a lot with cars on it first, or 500th, or whatever the special is. Because there’s money exchanged for this stuff, it’s not called looting, but it looks remarkably similar.

There’s a relentless abundance in this country, and I’m glad to partake of it a lot of the time. A little money in your pocket, and you’ll never want for anything. But days like Black Friday remind me that there’s far too much of a good thing out there. Nobody will tell you no in America if you want to buy something. And you’re certainly not going to listen to me if I tell you no. I get that people want shit. Having shit is nice. You need your shit, your car’s full of shit, you’ve got too much shit in your house. I’ve got a bunch of shit that I use all the time. I could live without it, but for the most part I won’t, because I don’t have to make that choice. I can have anything here.

But what I liked receiving most this thanksgiving wasn’t the food, or the booze, or anything that I could have bought today, or tomorrow, or the rest of December which is the busiest shopping month of the year – it was the friendship. Belonging is better than owning every time, and sat around the table discussing the high quality of the stuffing, or sat around the table playing a card game for horrible people, or sitting outside getting a little fresh air after dinner while talking nonsense about rat-sized cockroaches making their own sandwiches… these are the moments that made my thanksgiving. The turkey will all get eaten, the whiskey bottles will run dry and get thrown out, and the shopping will continue unabated, regardless of what I have to say about it. But the memories and moments remain with me, and remind me that even amidst what could rightly be called a maelstrom of shopping, that friends are what matters.

That said, a relentless abundance of pie is forever.

WTF America: Personal Censorship (Chapter 26)

Personal censorship

Seemed appropriate

Even the herbs and spices are insulting

As far as I’ve seen of it, America is a country of big ideas. Ideas like a constitution, to enshrine the rights that the people have. The interstate system, or the great public works of the 30s and 40s. Never was a job done by halves out here. To quote Ron Swanson “Never half ass two things; whole-ass one thing.” So when it comes to opinions, Americans have opinions wholeheartedly. And they’ll tell you these opinions, whether you like it or not.

They’ll sing it from the rooftops, on radio, or television, in newspapers, on blogs, in magazines, on the sides of blimps, in your dreams. Wherever you can think of, someone will post their opinion, and they’ll go on about it at great length, because by gum there’s a first amendment that lets me say whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want, with very few restrictions.

Back home, there’s a very different culture. People have opinions, sure, but there’s nothing better than knowing something that someone else doesn’t in Irish culture. Secrets, and rumors, and half truths are abound and people love them. There’s no happier an Irish person that’s got some dirt on someone. But knowledge about the other locals is power, so often you’ll hear about someone that just got knocked up by someone else, even they they were both seeing other people, and sure your man is only recently separated from the wife, because (and I hate to gossip) but she was running around with his uncle. Knowledge is power, but it only retains power through its rarity. Secrets and knowledge go hand in hand back on the island. The more you know about your friends, enemies, and neighbours the more power you have, provided that they know as little as possible about you.

People fish for information on you at every possible moment. Cashiers in the grocery store will ask you some rather personal things, because sure they see you in there all the time. It’s not because they think you two are friends, it’s because there’s dirt to be had. I was an enigma among these people, because I drifted in and out, and I wasn’t the most social of creatures. I usually went to other towns to socialize – other towns that had my friends in them. So when I would walk into local bars, I would be asked what part of America I was from, and how long I was visiting for. There was usually a look of bemusement on their faces when I told them that I was from the part of America that’s in Ireland, 10 miles away from here, in the same county as them. My accent is neither Irish nor American, but people can never seem to peg where it’s from. It’s a wonderful trick I have.

But in America, people will tell you this kind of information without solicitation. You don’t have to dig and pry, people will out and out tell you. Pictures of their dinner are on Twitter, they’ll post to Facebook about the nemesis they have a work, people will extol and vomit forth all information they have at the drop of a hat. They’ll even tell you about the time they dropped their hat. I’ll take a brief second to say that I’m not against this. It’s nice to talk to people that genuinely care about what you have to say to one another, and don’t immediately turn that back against you as some kind of parochial weapon. Information is really power here if you keep it to yourself.

This is why there are teams of muckrakers churning out streams of attack ads come politics season. Tiny little pieces of information are turned into flechette rounds to pepper your opponents squeaky clean image. And then the opponent does the same, because it’s an arms race of information now. Everyone needs to know that this guy was stapled to a desk during the war, everyone needs to know that this guy supports ‘Obama style tax increases,’ everyone needs to know that this dude not only smoked, but inhaled, and enjoyed, and is addicted to the pot. He smoked 7 whole marijuanas this morning alone. He wants to put revolving doors in the border fence. And so on, and so on.

Americans are more than willing to share information with one another, which makes the surveillance state they have here all the more confusing. There’s the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, and the DHS and they all want as much information on you as possible. They’ll wiretap you, steal your phone records, keep every piece of information on you on file in perpetuity. And the response I hear from most people, mostly American people, is that if you don’t have anything to hide, this shouldn’t worry you. Because people aren’t stingy with information about themselves, they don’t understand why other people would be. In a world where you’re happy to post your location on Facebook, and your innermost thoughts on your blog, what sense is there in keeping things back from other people?

The level of sharing is very endearing to me. You ask people how they’re doing, and they’ll tell you honestly. And if they’re not doing so well, you want to help, and you’ll hear a story about that time they weren’t doing so well, and maybe you’ll help, or they’ll help, and there’s a whole lot of helping, and sharing, and care bear staring going on. It’s lovely to feel supported and nourished as a person, because people are honest and they don’t come to you with a lot of bullshit.

However. And there’s always a however isn’t there. Sitting upon the log that is this conversation, this bullfrog of doubt and malice that’s about to enter. With this naked honesty comes a lack of self censorship. People will tell you what they think, without reservation. They can’t stop themselves a lot of the time. And some of it, like the stuff that comes out of the mouths of the crazies, is downright frightening. An American is not usually a person that’s interested in suffering in silence. They will suffer loudly, and in public, and you’ll get it in the neck any time you’re around them. If you think these statements are about you, they’re not.

Disclaimer: WTF America is a comedic take on American culture as viewed by an outsider. Remain calm.

It’s like the religious people that stand on street corners, or the guys wearing the “The end is nigh” sandwich boards, or it’s the politicians on TV, or it’s the celebrities weeping on daytime television about how traumatic it was to write their autobiography, because it contains chapters about the time they went to the amazon river and the dreaded candiru swam up their urethra.

You hear shit that you wouldn’t choose to hear in a lifetime, like the urethra line above. I don’t care that Bill Clinton gave an intern a cigar. I don’t care that somebody tweeted a penis picture, I don’t care that celebrities grocery shop like normal people. Every day, and every where, you’ll be inundated by information in America. It’s everywhere. You’ll be informed that this product is better than this product because of a series of features that the two products do not share. The constant stream of censor-less, unkempt, relentless, ever present information begins to push things out of your head. You forget what fresh cut grass smells like, because switching you Geico can save you 15 percent on your car insurance. There’s nothing that stops this torrent of information other than abstaining from listening.

And my god the opinions of regular folk. Have I told you that they’ll tell you things unprovoked? You’ll mention something off hand, like money, or the economy, or something that the president said, and a series of slogans will fall out of their mouths. A verbal diarrhea of bumper stickers will flood its way across the table and it will begin to drip down the far side onto your brand new shoes. Their irises dilate, they grip the table with both hands, and the torrent continues unabated, filling the restaurant floor ankle deep with opinions, factoids, half baked theories, talking points, and blather blather blather. Their arms stiffen, their back arches, and they begin to turn inside out, pushing every single opinion they have out of that hole in their face. By this point you’ve become impressed that these people have anything left in the at all, and they haven’t turned into a california raisin version of themselves, all shriveled, bitter and at last opinion free.

Nobody censors themselves, because they don’t have to. The only thing you have to lose in this country by saying something is friends, or maybe a job. You won’t lose credibility, because anything you say can be defended as opinion, and your right to free speech. Even if the things you say are completely repugnant. Repugnant by any definition of common sense, or human decency. Racism is ok, as long as you’re not in some position of power. It just depends on the people that you’re being racist towards. And even then, there are people that are openly racist to your face, and they’ll sit there like a smug shit with an unreasonably proud grin on their face because they’ve offended someone. Not that I give a shit if you’re offended, it’s not a productive use of my time to avoid offending others. Trigger warning: you’ll probably think I’m an asshole because you’re fond of something I’m making fun of, like Betty Crocker Reese’s Pieces make-at-home box candy bars.

People will say things on Twitter, on Facebook, in person, with bumper stickers, on billboards, on political attack ads, and your mind boggles that someone would expose themselves like that. But here isn’t Ireland – back on the island these statements would turn you into a pariah. But here, who gives a fuck, you can say whatever you like. No matter how fucked up it is, because it’s constitutionally protected under almost all circumstances.

And I love it. Yeah, given the right to free speech people will say the most horrible shit imaginable. But it lets you know where they stand, and then you know where you stand in relation to them. You don’t have to talk to their neighbours to find out what paper they read, they’ll straight up tell you they hate mexicans. But people don’t bullshit you like they do at home. They won’t talk you up in your company and then be shitty about you every other day of the year. And since most people don’t give a fuck what you think, you can say whatever you like too. Most of the time. And thank fuck for that – this book would never get written otherwise.

WTF America: Fundamentally misunderstanding the problem (Chapter 25)

Fundamentally misunderstanding the problem

'Bacon' flavoured - contains no bacon

This post is kind of heavy, so here's one of my favourite WTF America pictures to take the edge off

So I’ve noticed a recurring theme in this life, as well as in this country I currently live in. Everyone’s got a problem. Doesn’t matter what the problem is, everyone’s got one. They can talk about it for hours, or sometimes they won’t even recognize it as a problem. I’ve discussed this in the confidence chapter, the religion chapter, the working chapter. Because underneath it all, most people actually have the same problem. And that problem is fundamentally misunderstanding the problem in the first place.

Let’s cobble together an example. Imagine if you will that your country in undergoing economic depression (that shouldn’t be a stretch for most of us) and you’re having a rough time of it. You have a job, but taxes are too high, you don’t get paid enough to make ends meet, and overall shit is just kinda fucked. Who do you blame? Well, there’s plenty of people to blame for this problem you have. You could blame the dole spongers, that seem to have money when you don’t. Yeah, that must be it – your taxes are letting them sit on their ass, so they don’t have to work.

Another example; the other political party are in power, and boy they are so much worse than the political party that you support. They enact policies that are harmful to your way of life, that impinge on your freedoms, that make the whole country go to hell in a handbasket. They give welfare (corporate or otherwise) to people, they take away or distribute guns. Damn other party, fucking up your roll.

The issue with these worldviews is that (and sing along with me, now) people are fundamentally misunderstanding the problem. Why are taxes high? Why are your wages low? In 2000, before the market crash, before 9/11, the unemployment rates were really low. Everybody was working. So did everyone decided within those ten years to become the “Non-working class” as I’ve heard them described, or have circumstances changed. Maybe your wages are depressed not because your taxes are too high, but because the market has devalued your labour because there’s an overabundance of labour. When everyone’s looking for a job, and they’re glad to have any job, wages go down.

The $10/$15 minimum wage argument is an interesting one. Most that I’ve talked to think this is either the best idea ever, or it’s the worst idea ever. Let’s begin from the position of the nays – it’ll cause inflation, people don’t deserve the money for the kind of work that pays minimum wage, tips mean that people earn higher than the minimum wage, the minimum wage isn’t supposed to be a living wage. Here’s where people are (sing along) fundamentally understanding the problem – none of that really matters. The isn’t an unemployment crisis right now, there’s a wage crisis. If people can’t afford to spend anything in a demand side economy (I demand; therefore you supply, instead of I supply; therefore you demand) then it doesn’t matter how much is in supply. If wages are higher, then people can buy things, then as demand picks up, supply can pick up which lifts up the whole system. Then there’s more demand for labour as business can’t meet supply, and you see how this cycle perpetuates. The argument about the minimum wage isn’t about the wage itself, it’s about resetting the floor on the labour market so more money is injected on the bottom rung of the working economy.

The other party. Oh the troubles they cause. Their policies are the pits. They don’t represent the will of the people, so we should vote for the party we like and then we’ll get the representation we want. What’s that? Local elections? Nah, we don’t need to turn up for those, they’re not important. And there is where people (sing, sing, sing) fundamentally misunderstand the problem. Back home when there’s an election, a party gets in, and then the opposing party forms what’s called a shadow government. This shadow government appoints ministers, and committee members and whatnot for the purpose of telling people what decisions they’d make, if they had the power. Every single political party that I’ve ever seen on the opposition benches is great at being in opposition. They wouldn’t do this, they would do that, they would like to issue an official statement about the policy that etc etc so on and such other bullshit.

Leading is different. The whole nation is in opposition to you (it must seem) and every decision you make will be second guessed and ridiculed. And maybe that’s a good idea, keep those bastards humble. However, once they flip sides, and the other party gets in, they’re the best leaders in the world. Every party is the best party in the world – when they don’t actually have the power to do anything. Sometimes they’re very good at obstructing the other party, as the GOP has been this last few years.

Switching your vote to the other party, or abstaining from voting, or other things of that nature doesn’t fix the problem you have, because money’s the problem. Politicians vote in accordance with the moneyed interests. Either their own, or a lobbyist, or what they believe is best for the economy of their state, country etc etc. Voting doesn’t impact nearly as meaningful a change as writing to your representatives does. A group of Irish vapers contacted their representatives in Europe and managed to swing a vote. Talking to your government, and making demands of it in those times between elections is what’s important. If you vote, then abdicate responsibility for four years, I guess your vote mattered a little, but you chose the outcome of those four years.

I’ve fundamentally misunderstood problems in the past. With education, and the ability to dissect your media, you get a much better idea of the root cause of problems. I’m not saying that I’m smarter than anyone, and that you must agree with me, I’m just asking that people think more deeply about the causes of their problems. Sometimes they’re not even problems that you have, you just think they’re problems and you have them. Persecution complexes are abound and people believe they have problems that they don’t. Perhaps what’s worse is, in line with the whole ‘temporarily embarrassed millionaires’ bit, people ignore problems that exist. Economic issues, racism issues, privilege issues. These things exist here as much as they exist anywhere else.

The main problem with (# # #) fundamentally misunderstanding the problem is that people put their energy and resources in the wrong place. Instead of voting for a good third party, people vote against the guy they hate. Instead of fighting a war on poverty, we fight a war on the poor. Instead of worrying about police brutality, we’re questioning how much of an angel a victim of brutality was. We make these justifications because we approach the world with a worldview that (# # #) fundamentally misunderstands the problem, so we make bad decisions. One could almost call it prejudice.

When I (# # #) fundamentally misunderstand, I ask myself why. Does someone have a vested interest in me not getting it? Am I privileged, or prejudiced, am I wrong, misinformed, misled, or just plain ignorant of some facts that exist.

You would hope that most Americans were a little more media savvy than most people, being that they’re surrounded by media. But sometimes you realize that Americans are a lot like the rest of the people worldwide, and you don’t realize this fact because they’re showing off their best qualities, their empathy, or their humanity. Sometimes Americans can be dicks. Sometimes it’s towards a whole group of people that don’t deserve it. And sometimes they’re the most compassionate people on earth. Mostly they’re both at once, because you can’t condense a people down to a single example.

But since we’re condensing down a year’s worth of personal experience of mine, let’s continue. It bugs when we don’t self-examine. Self-examination, and not just the kind that doctors recommend at least once a week, is important. Everyone should be engaged in it, because when you truly understand yourself, you can begin to understand the people around you. And that’s what I’d like people to fundamentally understand. I’d love it if everybody knew it deep down in their bones. That each of us deserves that which all of us deserve. When we start reducing other people to problems, we strip each other of our humanity. The homeless problem is about people, not the problem. The poverty problem is a problem because people are poor, not because one column of numbers is a perceived drain on another column of numbers. The gun problem, the mental health problem, the employment problem, the wage problem, the national security problem, the problem with kids these days, the problem with the democrats, the problem with the republicans, the problem children, the problem drinkers, the problem with taffy these days….

We reduce other people because then we don’t have to think about it, we can just think about the problem. Problems, a lot of the time are easy to solve when those problems are not not attached to people. “We could solve the homeless problem if we just ticketed people in city centres” is the kind of suggestion that someone took seriously and implemented. But because our old friend (# # #) fundamental misunderstanding, someone thought the problem was that homeless people were sleeping in the city centres, when the real problem is that people have slipped through the cracks and are living on the street.

I’ve said that we need to imagine each other complexely, and that the truth resists simplicity (I believe I have, and if I haven’t before I’m quoting author John Green) and we need to live by those maxims. We need to engage with painful truths about racism, sexism, and violence if we hope to live in a peaceful society. But hey, maybe I’m (# # #)… you get what I’m driving at.

WTF America: Healthcare (Chapter 24)



Something, something, railway to hell. Not every caption is a winner.

Boy have I not been looking forward to this one. It’s been on the list of prospective topics since the beginning of this work, and I’ve dreaded it. Because this topic is so huge and nebulous. It’s like trying to eat a bowling ball – how the hell are you supposed to get into it, to the fleshy center? How to penetrate this thick skin? Oh well, fortune favours those that attempt to write about the American healthcare system. Let’s start with my personal experience of healthcare.

So by all accounts I’m a relatively healthy and robust individual. I’m overweight, but as far as doctors I’ve talked to are concerned, I’m relatively ok. I no longer smoke (I do vape) I walk to keep my trim 215 pound figure. I drink beer, but hopefully not to excess. I ride a bicycle, and I ride like I’m a vehicle most of the time, so I’m unsure how that shakes out on the scale of exercise vs. exposure to danger. I’ve been eating my veggies, drinking my water, and staying off the crack pipe. I’ve never broken a bone, not that I’m aware of, and aside from occasional vertigo tilt after spending a while in the back of a car on the freeway at night, I haven’t had an run ins with the healthcare system. Never spent a night in hospital, aside from the whole being born in a hospital gig. People say when the chips are down “At least you’ve got your health.” I’ve got a pretty good relationship with my health now that I’ve dropped 60 pounds and started eating better.

I feel like I’m the sort of poster child for someone that doesn’t need insurance. I don’t work in a dangerous job, I’m pretty careful, I’ve got all my fingers and toes. I’ve fallen over a few times, but I’m fairly steady on my feet. Aside from the flu, I’ve got all my shots. I’m housebroken. I’m the full package, ladies. Back during my career as an unemployed dole jockey, there were benefits to consider. One of these benefits was the medical card. The medical card is one of those wonderful products of a welfare state, because it’s a benefit you receive because you’re unemployed. It functioned to reduce costs on the individual. Prescriptions were cheaper, stays in the hospital, trips to the emergency room, routine doctor visits for little things, dental checkups, free eye test every two years, that sort of thing. It meant that you could offset the cost of medicine, and of care, so that people didn’t remain chronically sick, because when you’re unemployed and sick, the last thing you need to do is spend the little amount of money you have on getting better. Can’t get a job when you’re sick, so if you’re broke, let’s make it a little easier. It was a good system.

I encountered a similar system when I was living and attending university in Northern Ireland. They have the NHS there, and if you’re a student you can get a card. Just register with a doctor, and you can get what you need for free. No cash money down. Sure, you pay it in taxes over your lifetime, but that’s how socialist healthcare works. “No money down; new knees today! No waiting!” Well there’s some waiting sometimes. I got a tetanus shot, I had blood tests to check for diabetes. I didn’t avail of the NHS all that much – didn’t have a need of it – but it was very nice to know it was there. I had wisdom teeth pulled on the NHS after being referred by a doctor across the border. I’ve had a few wisdoms pulled, never had to pay money for it, because I was unemployed. If you have non-pressing issues like that you can either pay to get it done now, or go on a waiting list and then you’ll get it done later when you get to the top of the list. The NHS even sorted out my tied tongue, for free. It was a good system.

And then I see this system. First off, the model is insurance based, not government based. So you’d imagine that the system would be stacked in favour of insurance companies, and you’d be right. There exists some terms, that make it deliberately hard to understand your insurance. ‘Deductible,’ ‘copay’ and ‘coinsurance’ and I’ve run across these words because as I type the enrollment for the affordable care act is open again this year. The deductible is the amount of money that you have to pay out of pocket before your insurance begins to cover you. So for the first $10,000 (or less) comes out of your pocket, if I’m understanding this correctly. So you get insurance and then it doesn’t pay for anything unless you have to fork out $10,000 first. Thus far this isn’t sounding like a good system.

Then there’s the copay. This is the amount of money that you must pay after the deductible. So you’ve forked out your ten grand, but to stop you using the insurance you have to pay a little bit out of pocket. I don’t understand why anyone would willingly go to the doctor for no reason, and then receive a prescription for no reason. I’m sure these people exist, but you’ll be paying out of pocket even when the insurance is paying for stuff. Add on top of this the monthly premium you have to pay. There are lifetime limits (I think that’s what they’re called) which mean that you will never pay more in a year than a fixed number regardless of the care that you need, but honestly that’s for people with large and chronic medical conditions and bills. I’m sure that’s a small number of people that have insurance, but being sick in America is expensive as shit.

I cannot for the life of me understand coinsurance. It seems to be another copay that applies after you exceed the deductible. Any healthcare pros out there that are reading, I’d love a better explanation of all three terms. I’m baffled in my attempts to protect myself in case I get sick.

So I’ve bantered on about the boner pills, but there are advertisements for everything. Even medications for really niche medical conditions that people have. They’ll even advertise a new medication for a new condition, and they’ll preface this by scattering symptoms around the commercial. “Do you go to sleep at night, or not, and wake up in the morning, or in the night? Do you toss and turn, or do you sleep soundly but still feel groggy? Then you have (some fucking thing wrong with you) and we just so happen to have a pill for it.” And then there’s a litany of disclosures that this medication might kill you, or turn you into a monster truck that craves human flesh or something. It’s baffling.

I don’t pry into the medical lives of my friends, but I’m wondering just how many people around me are on medications at all times. You hear that people are acting like they’re off their meds, and it makes me wonder if they are. Listen to the TV and you’ll believe that everyone should be on something. Everyone’s sick. But if everyone is sick, wouldn’t the healthcare system be better at curing them, or managing their pain, or defeating their illnesses? Medical companies are routinely among those that make the greatest profits worldwide, so why i anybody still sick?

Well clearly people are still sick, because it’s about money. Buy insurance forever, and keep paying the copays and keep coming in under the deductible and you’ve got the world’s greatest money spinner. I’ve heard that the need of medical care, and especially prescriptions is an “Inelastic demand” which means that if it costs $5 you’ll pay because you need it, and if it costs $100 you’ll pay because you need this if you wish to continue being alive. That’s no system that needs to have profit as its goal. That profit model will kill people.

If you’re like me, and a lot of people are despite the insistence from the TV that we’re sick, and you’re sturdy enough, you’ll figure you don’t need insurance. So people don’t pay in, and premiums go up because there’s a smaller pool of paying customers and a larger (relatively) pool of sick people that are drawing from the insurance. These people aren’t wasters, or fraud kingpins; they’re sick. They need healthcare. Used to be if you had a preexisting condition, insurance companies could deny you coverage. They could do all sorts of shit before the Affordable Care Act became law, now it seems that it’s a little better.

But it’s still baffling and money motivated, far as I can tell. I’m not against doctors earning money, or technology marching forward with the proper funding, but the system couldn’t give a shit about that in the grand scheme. Grind money out of the sick, grind money out of the well. Sell the well vitamins, and scare them with how expensive hospital stays are. Tell the well to stay well or the disease bogeyman will get them. Ebola will get them, so sell them hand sanitizer and gas masks. Americans are terrified of getting sick, and I’m sure it’s because everything is so fucking expensive. Just watch the show Breaking Bad if you want a party realistic look at what people will do when they’re scared of dying. Yeah, I get that it’s fiction, but my point stands. When you’re sick, you’ll do anything to get well. You’ll pay outrageous money, and they know that. So they’ll charge you outrageous money. This isn’t a good system.

Pay more in taxes, subsidise healthcare, create a single payer system, nationalize it, offer tax incentives, spend less on the military, or corn subsidies. Do fucking something to fix this. Because this looks to me like some kind of very slow motion disaster. Sick people should only focus on getting well. That’s how you keep a country happy, by keeping them healthy. I know some healthcare professionals, and they’re incredibly dedicated to keeping people out of hospitals. There are sick people in hospitals, and the carers I know wish to get them the fuck out of there, because if they never see you again they did their job. You’re well now. And these are the people that deserve the damn money, not a bunch of… thieves. Insurance is a form of thievery, and these guys are the best in the world at it.

So far no one in my time here has employed the phrase that I’ve been waiting for; “If you don’t like it, then you can get out.” I’ve seen it, it just wasn’t directed at me. I’m growing very fond of this country and its people. But that doesn’t mean that I’m about to just accept those things I see that are repugnant to me. This is not a good system. Needs fixing. Get somebody on that.

WTF America: Religionish (Chapter 23)


Beardy Fucko

First you get the power, then you get the women, then you get the tea scented candles

Ohh what a hum dinger. So we know that your average Yanquai is posessed of great confidence. Those in positions of power hold even more. And those who appoint themselves to positions of power hold the greatest confidence of all. Your neighbourhood watch are of the belief that they are arbiters of decency and community, when really they’re a bunch of lawn gnome dictators at best, and people that stalk the streets as wannabe police officers at worst.

Your common or garden variety nosy parker usually contents themselves with being in your business, perhaps the business of a cul-de-sac, occasionally the business of a whole village. Your next level of asshole feels it necessary to command the peoples of a larger area. For example, these are your city councilors, the country officials, Sheriff Joe Arpaio. It’s not enough to simply hold power, these folk feel the need to command it, to grind it out as much as possible, to continue to turn the screws, to eek out ever more, and ever more, and ever more. At this level of power you begin to see people dictate how others must live. They enact policies petty, paltry, and powerful within a limited area. No standing on street corners after 7pm. No trick or treating, no eating in public parks unless one brings enough to share with all other attendees of said park.

Further echelons of power bring further reach, and often further corruption, but as you grease your way further up this downward facing ladder, you’ll find that the expectation is that the greater the power, the greater the reach. So the people of your town believe that they have an impact on the county. The county people believe that they may as well represent your state or province because it’s basically the same thing. States run countries, countries run coalitions, coalitions run continents, so on and so forth, you get what I’m driving at.

However, no matter how far you go in this particular chain or power, your time is (in theory) limited by term limits, or whims of party support, or you simply become too old to elect. This petty fiddle faddle that you institute can be mostly undone once the next guy comes in, which means your power is fairly limited, fairly short lived, and ultimately you become pretty powerless. Checks and balances are a wonderful thing.

So where else do you go for power, if not in the legislative branches of your particular governments? Well you get involved in homeowners associations, or you become a landlord. You run your way up the land and money ladder. There you get to put the screws to people for money, and you will accumulate more money over time, which begets more money with which to oppress the proletariat, if you get my meaning. Money is a powerful motivator, and if you manage to position yourself as wealthy, you will be given not only the power that your money commands, but you’ll be given vastly more power than you deserve. It boggles my mind when people listen to the likes of Donald Trump, but then I remember he has money, ergo he has power, ergo he can say whatever the fuck he likes and people will listen because he has an abundance of the former, and therefore an undeserved overabundance of the latter. Money is power for sure.

But how fleeting is money, how fleeting is that kind of power? Well, it’s remarkably resilient as it purchases the electoral kind of power. Enough money would make most people willing to do most anything. So say you’re unelectable, and you can’t get your hands on money. You could attain power through force. People do it the world over, by installing themselves as warlords, or they become gang members and leaders, or they join armies either organized or otherwise. This is a popular method of gaining power, if the constant chattering of the blinky box in the corner is to be believed. People get themselves to a position of tyranny, and they’re very hard to remove. The only checks and balances seem to be more, ever increasing violence. But you can only oppress people so long. Look at the soviet revolution in 1917, or the Irish, French, or American wars of independence and times of revolution. People, in great enough irritated numbers, will do most anything to oust those in power once they’ve had enough. Everyone’s got their breaking point.

So what’s left, after you’ve gone through all these institutional power structures. Well, there’s always religion, and this is perhaps the most egregious example of power. It’s unelected, it’s everlasting, and it has a leg up on almost all other forms of power out there institutional or otherwise – it’s in your head. Religion doesn’t have to beat you over the head to make you think their way, they just have to scare you into it. By the way, examples around the world will show you that religion is more than willing to beat you over the head physically, given the right circumstances.

But let’s stick to our main thread here. Religion is a power that people internalize, in that they internalize an external power. They give up their personal power, because religion offers answers, and it allows people to abdicate their responsibility. I’m not talking about the personal experience of religion by the way – you can find a way to your own personal Yahweh all the live long day, but when the institution trumps individual thinking, you’ve given up your free will, which I believe is one of the greatest things a human possesses. Free will makes you stand up and say “Hey… we’re getting fucked here, and I for one am at least a little miffed, I don’t know about you guys.” This sentiment is sometimes followed by the throwing of bricks, but at least we’re sort of on the right track as long as people understand their situations.

So you’ve given up your personal power, and you’re surrendered to the church. Now you are a vessel, waiting to be filled, in the language of some church (probably, I’m sure someone has said it) and you are going to be filled with those things that someone has decided. There are plenty of things to take away from the various religious books around the world, but the thing I keep landing back on is the whole “Love they neighbour” kick. The golden rule is to treat others as you would have others treat you. But that’s not important once the man with the power comes in. And there’s always a man who got some power somewhere.

American religion, the limited amounts of it that I have seen, appears to have a very low barrier to entry. There’s no special clothes, no 7 years in seminary, no magical pointy hats and gold cups. You can pretty much get into a building, and start talking, and you’re a church. Start collecting donations, tax free, and you’re a church. “The seventh lamb of the aching heart of the first christ jesus” on the front of your building probably makes you a church too. American religion also seems to be some sort of nailbomb that went off. Infinite splinters, infinite smaller fissures cracking outwards and downwards from larger fissures forms smaller and more specialized churches. They have this word, ‘Christian’ which baffles a boy that grew up with a catholics vs protestants mentality. I’ve heard that people who declare themselves atheist in Northern Ireland are asked a follow up question; “Yeah… but are you a catholic atheist, or a protestant atheist?” which is one of the most ridiculous questions that exists. There’s no christian sensibility that I’ve found, unless I was talking to born again christians, and let us not talk of them.

Actually, let us do. They’re here, and I’m fairly sure this idea started here. Because the lord is forgiveness, you can repent at any time, and you’re in. When asked about the amount of sins one commits during a lifetime, while still accepting the lord as your saviour, fundamentalists have told me that “You still get into heaven… but God won’t be very happy if you were a sinner.” Saved if you do, and saved if you don’t, it seems.

Why do people ascribe to religion. Having retired from catholicism some 10 years ago, I couldn’t tell you anymore. I guess for some, it provides comfort in a scary world, for many it provides a routine that they set their weekly watch by. Some volunteer for their love of community, some feed the homeless, some travel to other countries to build schools while spreading the word. Which kind of seems like an asshole move; “Sure, we’ll build a library, but you guys have to pray with us while we do.” No free lunches, no free libraries. it seems.

But I’ll wager that a lot of people are in it for the power. You can lead a congregation without qualification, if you talk nicely, and you’ve got the confidence, and if people feel that you’ve got the straight dope on the lord. But that’s kind of it. Once people are in that position, they can say whatever they want. And people will listen, even if they hate your message. Which explains the Westboro Baptist Church. No peace a love among these people. “God hates fags” is their rallying cry, if you hadn’t heard, and I’m sure you have. Ignoring these people diminishes their power, because they do it to get a rise out of people. This is trolling, with a bible.

Speaking of trolling with a bible – the religious protestors in my neighbourhood. I’ve mentioned them before, but they’re an example of this little bit of power mentality. Once they gain even a grain, a modicum, a speck of power, they immediately turn it to the work of oppression. They browbeat people, they shout at people, they display their images and they bring hatred. About 50 yards away from the taco shop. They’ve got this maelstrom of tiny power, confidence, bigotry, and nosy parker syndrome that makes them stand out there to tell people what to do. Combine the little-power that religious leadership brings, with the belief that if you don’t yell at people you’ll go to hell, and add in a dash of “I can’t think for myself” and you’ve got these people.

Kimberlee has a wonderfully calming phrase; “They’re doing the best with the information they have.” And she’s right. They’ve received information, and they believe that it’s the best information out there, and they’re living by it. I live by the best information I can get my hands on. But when you go to organized religion like that, and you abdicate responsibility, are you really doing your best, as a person or a reported child of the lord?

The religion here runs the range from that “Gimme that good old religion” religion, to the new “Fuck the unbelievers, we’re the only true faith” people. And honestly, it doesn’t look like religion to me most of the time. Looks like people with that little-power, that micro tyranny that sits in the minds of followers and punishes them when they have a thought. When you get people to punish themselves before they even act, I guess you’ve gotten your hands on the greatest power you can access.

Enterprising religious assholes.

WTF America: Another planet (Chapter 22)

Another Planet

Partial solar eclipse

Follow me on a journey. You had taken your protein pills, you have put your helmet on. You’ve been blasted into space, and your mission to be the first dude out the door on a new planet. As you travel, you see the place you come from fade behind you, and you travel past star systems, nebulae, and cosmic wonders. Your mind travels as you travel, you consider just what you’ll find when you arrive.

You fly, weightlessly, through clouds of neon and xenon, the atoms crackle against the hull as you are safe inside, shielded from the radioactive malestrom outside. Your new home is far away, and you’ve been briefed on some basic information. You know some landmarks, you’ve been warned about the local plants that you don’t want to eat, and the local animals that you don’t want to poke with a stick.

Your verdant fields of green will be replaced with sparse vegetation, with a lot of rocky outcrops, scattered rocks, and sandy plains. You won’t be able to see the activity of glaciers, because the landing zone wasn’t on as high a latitude as your home country. You were nominated for this great honour by your friends, your romans, your countrymen, and you’ll be the first. Like I said, you’ve been given some scant information, so really you have some soft information. It’s not a hard and crunchy fact. It’s not a truth that you can measure against, it’s a truth you can test again and again.

But you land on the planet, and you find 7-11s, and cadillacs, and some weird version of football that primarily arranged around big men colliding against one another while grabbing an egg shaped ball, with their hands. Little kicking, no sphere. It’s not like the reports at all. Much more to the point, this planet is inhabited by strange aliens. They’re around 6 feet tall, they look similar to you, but not the same, and the say things like “Hi Helen” and “Thanks, Obama!” This was not in the report. So these humanoids consume foods, some of which is similar to the foods you grew up with, but the ingredients can be very different.

So they look humanoid, but you come to the conclusion at some point that this species evolved independently from yours. It’s like when you hear about life on other planets, and there are creatures that somehow figured out how to live on sulfur instead of air, or something. It’s not quite the same. It’s like a mirror world.

Honestly, culture is the big thing that makes this planet different. Sure, you can chalk weather and such down to axial tilt and the rotation around the local star, but the majority of the stumblings blocks in integrating with this society will be cultural. But the plan wasn’t even necessarily to integrate with this culture. The paperwork didn’t tell you that there would even be humanoids, so you’ve got to learn their ways fast. I liken it to the story they tell about the first thanksgiving (More on that in a later chapter) The way I heard it was that the native americans taught the pilgrims to farm during their first year on The Northern American continent, and then they had a big harvest festival to celebrate. Additionally I’ve heard that the pilgrims were a bunch of morons in search of cold, so without native intervention they’d have frozen to death and starved, because it’s hard to eat gold.

As with most human cultures that happen upon an outsider, this culture you’ve stumbled upon took you in. They give you some local food, they give you a funny tasting drink, they dust you off, and they get you out of that silly spacesuit that is too hot for the local climate. They begin to explain, through a series of gestures and some words that you apparently have in common, how this planet functions. They appoint a king every few years, and everyone hates him during his term. They tell you how their interesting food works, and the marvellous processes they’ve derived for making something called ‘Whipped Topping.’ You explain to them your culture, you tell them about your planet, and your journey across the stars, and they seem interested. The more you tell them, the more both parties realize that there are more and more things in common. The present you with a beer like substance, and a cheese like substance, and a tv show like substance. It’s all there, but it’s all slightly different.

Ok, I’ll put this tortured metaphor to bed. My point is that there’s a sense of the uncanny for me, a lot of the time. I was out in the desert with some friends, shooting for most of the day, so my brain is full of sound and fury right now, but I’ve been comparing it to last year when we went shooting. I was a new person in this country, and had never really handled a gun before, and I had never encountered this sort of environment before. I didn’t know where the social faux pas were, to the point that when I received a compliment on my good shooting, I was sure that I had done something wrong. When you live on planet America, it kind of resets your expectations of how people are going to act. It’s best to ask if you don’t know, because in my experience people love to talk and they’re more than happy to talk when it comes to a subject they know well. I’ve found this to be pretty universal wherever I’ve been.

Your expectation is that, I guess, people will be much the same and that’s true to an extent. But Americans, because of their differences in culture, are like a different species of people that has evolved in isolation in tandem with yours. You share the same root species, but there was a branching at some point where things diverged. To make a crass point, interbreeding is still possible, but I feel like Americans are a distinct species compared to me and my people. Distinct enough to note differences, and those differences are distinct enough that I felt it necessary to write this book about it.

I’ve gone native on this new planet. Their way of life makes a lot of sense, once you start to swing your perspective around until it lines up with the way they live, and their culture. When surrounded by the abundant food, and the firearms, and the politics, and the ways of thinking, you can feel your brain start to make different connections. I’m sure that there’s no American brain, but I’m fairly certain there’s an American way of thinking. I’m not sure that I’m totally on board with it, but I feel the species gap narrowing, because no matter how great the cultural gap, it can be bridged. I didn’t realize for a long time today that one of my shooting mates was British. She’d lived here for so long that she looked American to me, and she sounded that way too.

I wonder if this is the fate of explorers that come to Planet America. The culture surrounds you, takes you in, you forget that there are other worlds out there, because your thought process extends only as far as the planet you live on. Obviously I’m aware this is planet earth, I’m employing an extended metaphor. But this is how it’s felt to me. And if you’re able to get back to your home planet, what do you tell them? What information do you bring? Like living on the moon and settling down – would the children be so accustomed to the local gravity that they couldn’t possibly live back on old terra? Then the cultural valve suddenly flows in the other direction. They become the explorers, going back to the old world, and they see the difference. But do they see difference, or do they just not see the things they know?

I know when I got here that I was searching for markers of the old planet here. And things may have rhymed, but they were not interchangeable. Maybe that’s how you settle on a new planet – by not attempting to make it like the old one. This new one has it’s own atmosphere, it’s own ecosystem, it’s own humanoids. So plant, sow, explore, tame, observe, understand. You’d be amazed at the things that can grow and flourish here. And they’re all things that weren’t in the mission statement, things that weren’t in the paperwork.

WTF America: Is Arizona Insane? (Chapter 21)

Is Arizona insane?

Christmas in Arizona

Crazy to sell Christmas tress in Arizona? Yes.

So when I moved here there were questions. Many questions. The main question from Americans was; why of all places that you could choose, would you choose Arizona? Well the simple answer, and the answer most representative of the truth is as follows. Kimberlee, my wonderful wife, is from California and she was having a little bit of a tricky time freelancing. It was satisfying work, but it was a lot to handle and the money wasn’t quite where we wanted it to be. So Kim was offered a corporate-ish job in Arizona and she took it. After a year or so of working there the company said she wasn’t a good fit, and she was handed a severance. Then the freelancing started up again, but this time it was in Arizona, not in California. This is the first time Kimberlee has lived outside of California by the way.

The simple answer is that I had planned to move to California. But, as the song goes, My love grows where my Rosemary goes. And nobody knows like me, fellas. So part we waited on the immigration process until Kim moved to Arizona and got settled. One of the reasons she moved was to provide more stability for the immigration process, so you guess you could say that it’s my fault that I ended up in Arizona.

A lot of what I hear from people that live in Arizona – because most moved here, I’ve let a lot less natives than I anticipated – is that they moved here because it’s cheaper than California. They stay because it’s cheaper than California. They settle down, and buy houses, and raise children, and start businesses because it’s cheaper than California. And it is. Moving from there to here upgraded Kimberlee from a one bedroom condo-flat to a 3 bedroom house for the same price. Food is cheaper, utilities are cheaper other than electrical – because you need air conditioning when you live one quarter of a mile from the surface of the sun – living’s cheaper. It’s more close to things than a lot of other places. I’m sure Kansas is a lot cheaper than California, but people don’t migrate there for the cost of living. I’ve heard that Ohio, a midwestern state, has fielded the most astronauts, which makes you wonder; is living in the middle of the country so bad that you have to leave the planet? (Research shows this as false – New York has fielded something like 33, the highest of any individual state)

I’ve thought about the other states. Kim and I have had discussion about places to retire, in time, or places to visit. I’ve got some good friends in the Carolinas and I’ve been told, extant of snowier winters, it’s just like Ireland. I’ve also been told that Washington state, home of Seattle, has the same weather as Ireland. I’ve also heard that immigrants have tended to set up in the places that felt like home, so the Germans and Jewish people are all over the North East, the Northern states like North Dakota and Montana have plenty of Scandinavians, and the Spanish, French, and Portuguese set up down around Florida and the Gulf coast.

So where would I settle, had I not settled in Arizona. First answer would probably be ‘Not Arizona’ but again, love-rosemary-all-that. California had plenty of fun people, and lovely weather all day most every day. I’m tempted by other places, places that get snow occasionally. I’ve lived most of my life clinging to the shore next to the Atlantic ocean, so the salty smell of that vast cold ocean might feel more like home. By the by; the Pacific ocean doesn’t smell right to me. It smells faintly of boiled cabbage, instead of the frigid salty nature of the Atlantic in the fall. It’s odd to enjoy an entire ocean at once, but had I to pick a favourite, it would be the one that surrounded the rock.

So this response from people, this question about Arizona, I puzzled at. And I now know why it is; people think Arizona is insane. So around the world people tell jokes about the country that fields the stupid people. Most often I’ve heard that the stupid nations are Ireland and Poland. But within these countries, who are the stupid people? Well in Ireland it’s people from county Kerry. Having never met a Kerryman, I can’t speak to the validity of this claim. I’m not sure which jokes the Polish tell, but I’m sure they have them too. So where are America’s stupid people?

Florida, mostly. “Florida man…” is the start of many headlines. For example, “Florida man tries to stop chainsaw blade with genitals, discovers that genitals are not fit for purpose.” When you add ‘Florida man’ to a headline, people are ready for this kind of shit. If anybody remembers the ‘bath salts zombies’ stories that the internet was freaking out about, them was Florida fellows. And again, the jokes have regional variants, so Alabama, Kansas, Mississippi, and any of the other southern states are often the butt of these jokes.

But Arizona isn’t know for being full of stupid people. As far as I can tell, given reporting and responses from the public, Arizona is crazy. It’s full of people that are insane, they have too many guns, they believe in too little government, they’re trampling on the rights of women, gay people, minorities, white people… the list goes on. From external news media, you’d believe that Arizona was constantly on fire because of the collective mass of fucking crazy people rubbing together. Spontaneous explosion from an excessive buildup of bat-shit. People point to Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the nutter that built a tent city in the prisons in his county. He’s suing Obama you know, over a recent move from the president on immigration. He was a leading voice in saying that Obama was a foreign citizen, and thus shouldn’t be president. He’s been accused of racial profiling, he’s behind the law that allows the police to check the immigration status of people that are in the commission of crimes, even if that crime is simple speeding. Note that an immigration officer told me that I was less likely to have a problem with that law, and note that the law is a direct incentive to profile racially.

Arizona’s governor, until recently, was Jan Brewer, and she was in favour of this ‘stop and papers please’ law. Combine that with the jabbering about the border fence, and the contingent of libertarians, and libertarian friendly policies in this state, and outsiders come to the belief that Arizona is not only crazy, but it’s dangerous to its own people, and to the rest of the people in the United States. My perspective is different living here.

I’ve broken bread with these people, in the metaphorical sense. They’ve sheltered me in times of need, they’ve protected me, they’ve taken care of me. They’ve taken care of Kimberlee too. I’m an immigrant, and they’ve been totally inviting, inclusive and very happy to have me around. This is the thing to remember; if it bleeds it leads. The reporting will almost exclusively focus on the worst of what’s happening in the world, and the perspective of a country that’s leaning towards equality for more and more people (Ideally all, in time) Arizona looks bad. There are policies here that people disagree with a lot, and I understand that. Sheriff Joe Arpaio is a prick. From what I’ve read he’s interested in ruling like some Sheriff of old, swinging a big stick and commanding power everywhere the light touches. But I’ve never met Mr. Joe. I live in his county, but the only encounter I’ve had with Maricopa specific services was the local courthouse that issued my marriage certificate. And there’s the key – most people in Arizona do not run-afoul of Joe, or former governor Jan Brewer. Most Americans will never get a chance to give the president a piece of their mind, because these people are by and large figureheads.

The actual representatives that are drafting this backwards legislation are local representatives that come from your area. These assholes are your neighbours, and you might very well have voted for them. The system doesn’t exist in a vacuum, but above a certain point of legislation, you’ll never encounter these people. They might as well be kings and queens for all the impact their lives have on ours. Sure, they come up with laws that we’re supposed to live by, but with the amount of laws that are on the books some things are bound to be unenforceable. We’re locking people up in the prison system for marijuana possession, but Arizona has legal medical marijuana, or it’s supposed to, but that hasn’t stopped street level says. The drug war is unwinnable.

So consider if you will, your outrage. Think about how mad you get about the actions of Arizona. Then ask yourself if you live in the United States. If you do not, be less mad about Arizona. If you do live in the United States, but you do not live in the southwest, be less mad about Arizona. If you live in Arizona, and you can vote and change things, be less mad about Arizona and get that change. If you believe that your district has been gerrymandered to shit, then work on changing that too. People get all too mad about things that do not impact their lives on a daily basis. Most people in Arizona don’t encounter the laws that people go crazy over. I’m not advocating political indolence, and I’m not saying that the law doesn’t matter.

There are assholes here. There are a bunch of catholic fundamentalists that protest, I want to say at least once a week, outside the Planned Parenthood clinic in our community. I never see these people in the neighbourhood aside from when they’re outside with reprehensible signs shouting down a paper megaphone. They pray hard. I’ve never seen people pray HARD, but that’s the best I can tell you about the actions of these people. However, terminating a pregnancy in Ireland is illegal. And however further – there are protesters there involved in the exact same behaviour. My point is – there are assholes everywhere, and there are fucked up laws everywhere. If these fucked up laws bother you, then do what it is you can to change these laws, to make the country, county, town, and village you live in better. Make the world you want to live in. Bitching about a state making a decision you don’t like, when you don’t live there doesn’t do a whole lot to help the place you do live in.

I’m not saying you can’t have an opinion on Arizona, I’m not saying you can’t be mad at it. We live in a global world, and it’s wise to be aware of this world, so you can get a barometer on what can be considered worldwide societal progress. But one crazy person in power half a world away doesn’t make the world darker, not if you’re out there making the world brighter.

So is Arizona mad? Madder than a big bag of spiders? Yeah, I guess it is. But the world’s as mad as a bag of spiders if you keep looking at isolated incidents, laws, places and people. Take your world as a whole. Tame that bag of spiders, one arachnid at a time.

WTF America: The warm fuzzy blanket (Chapter 20)

The Warm Fuzzy Blanket

Cleft in twain

I've never been to the US/Mexico border. This is the best representation or borders I have.

No, not talking about a comforter or a snuggie. The warm blanket that wraps Americans is America itself. Follow me down this thought path. Something like 20 percent of Americans own passports, last I heard this conjecture, so there are plenty of people that will never leave their own country to go to another one. (A small amount of research tells me the number is closer to 46 percent, so maybe take the rest of what I say with many grains of salt)

So Americans go to Mexico, they go to Canada, they go to many island nations in the Caribbean where umbrella drinks are abound. They do leave their country, and there’s a strong representation of military service, so a lot of Americans see the world that way. I wonder if you need a passport to be in the military. I’m sure there are plenty of people in Ireland, the UK and other European countries that never leave their country. But it’s harder back home to stay in one country the whole time. It’s hard to stay in the one town your whole life these days. There are plenty of things that happen in Ireland that will require you to go to Dublin, the capital city. Every Irish person will at some point or another end up in Dublin, without fail. Even if it’s just to go to the airport, because there’s only really one international airport in Ireland, and it’s in Dublin.

European nations live very cheek by jowl. And with the lax border practices between those countries, and various agreements between countries, you can actually walk from one country to another without encountering a checkpoint. No fence. No passport, no wall, no angry man with a gun looking at people funny. You just drive into Germany for the day. You take the train to Amsterdam, or Monaco. I went to college in Northern Ireland – part of the UK, and I spent the weekends across the border in Donegal. You’d have had a hard time doing that 30 or 40 years prior, what with the troubles and all.

Maybe this is one of the main mindset difference between the Irish and the Americans. Irish people have a legacy of emigration. I have it in every living generation of my family, and a couple before that too. My ancestors went to Europe, to England, to America, to Canada. They came to Ireland from Scotland in the first place. I come from a long line of migrators. But people don’t often expatriate from America, and if they do it’s nowhere near the amount that leaves from Ireland as a percentage of the population. Ireland has seen about 1 percent of its population leave every year in the last few years as the young, educated populace found the job market unable to support them. You don’t have to leave America if you’re an American citizen.

There’s so much country here that you’d have a hard time seeing it all in a lifetime. There’s a meme game going around on Facebook at time of writing that has you post a map, and it colours in the states within the US that you’ve visited. All I’ve seen of this country so far is bits of Southern California, bits of the Valley – i.e. the greater Phoenix metropolitan area – and a terminal or two in JFK Airport. Oh, and a bar in the Atlanta airport, and a few gates. That’s not even enough of a representative sample to participate in the meme. Or quiz, whatever you fancy calling it. It’s shown me that most of the Americans I know are at least fairly widely travelled within their own country at least.

The arid deserts that stretch all the way from Mexico to Monument Valley in Utah. The skyscrapers of east coast cities, the urban sprawl of Los Angeles as seen from Griffith Observatory. The wide open plains of Kansas, the rocky mountains, the appalachian mountains, the grand canyon, the mississippi river. New Orleans during Mardi Gras, San Francisco during Pride, Rhode Island in the fall, Seattle in the spring, Alaska under Aurora Borealis. There’s plenty of country to go around, and there’s a mass of diversity to be had among the people, and the places to see. The diversity in food alone is probably worth visiting all 50 states for. Ed Byrne, another Irish comedian, remarked that upon discovering you were Irish, Americans at American tourist destinations would say “I bet you don’t have anything like this back in Ireland.” His response was that we’d have nowhere to put it if we did have a grand canyon, or mount rushmore.

Ireland’s small. I’m sure I’ve said that before. But to make up for its smallness, it’s close to other European nations. And that’s where the diversity in Europe lies – quite close by. You can drive to mainland Europe from Ireland if you wanted to you know. You take your car to Northern Ireland, and get on a ferry to Scotland. Then drive to London and get on the channel tunnel, and bing bang bosh, the train scoots you under the channel and you’re in Paris. From there you can keep driving until you reach China if you have the time and the inclination. America is smaller than that distance, but it’s a more manageable distance. You could visit it all in a lifetime if you dedicated yourself to it. Many do. There’s plenty of retired couples putting their cash into an RV and rolling along the roads to see what there is to be seeing. There’s that open road again.

But how’s the intellectual landscape. Also diverse, but how is the understanding of the world outside these borders? If I’m honest, often confrontational. So a story has been developing here for a while now, and it involves people crossing the Mexico/America border without papers. Right there, I know I’ve probably lost some of you. Because people who cross the border without papers should be deported, and that’s the end of that conversation. But my reading has told me that a lot of the people reaching the border are unaccompanied minor from central America, not from Mexico. So that’s kids. Getting from El Salvador to America, because conditions are so poor there, and because people are being killed. That sounds like the behaviour of refugees to me.

But the rhetoric around the border, especially here in a border state, is so harsh that you’d think that Balrogs, and Tarrasques, and mothertrucking liches riding chaos dragons were all that comes across that border. Build the fence higher, add more barbed wire, send the army down there and start shooting at anyone seen walking in the vicinity Politicians attacked each other a lot in the political ads running up to the election on their border record. I get it, people are scared of terrorists. I saw several mentions that ISIS/ISIL/whatever were coming across the border to strike at the American homeland, so elect governor asshole because his fence is bigger, his fence is longer, his fence has a moat full of electric eels and navy seals. Don’t elect governor jerk because his fence has holes, or isn’t a fence, or his plan is to build some sort of superhighway right into the state, so all the Mexicans will come in and eat all our flags, and work all our guns, and teach all our children. Or some such nonsense.

I’ve heard people casually suggest that we should nuke Syria and Iraq because ISIS/ISIL/whatever are there. Pre-emptive strikes seem to be fairly popular in the rhetoric when it comes to foreign affairs. And being a pinko, commie, socialist pacifist, that doesn’t jive with my pill hugging, tree popping look at the world. I get it, your local media covers what happens here. And I get that most of the time what comes back into the country from overseas is war noise, or conflict noise, because if it bleeds it’s news, and if it’s news from elsewhere it’s probably about war. The six o’clock news here will have a fuzzy bunny story at the end, but it’s always about American fuzzy bunnies.

This leads to the impression that the world outside of the US is dangerous, or because it’s not like America, it’s tyrannical. There was somewhat of a panic caused when “Europe banned Fireball whiskey!” For the uninitiated, Fireball is a whiskey liqueur with cinnamon in it. Atomic fireball style cinnamon. Really hot, burning cinnamon. I don’t understand the desire to make whiskey even more fiery, but whatever tickles your pickles mate. To cut to the chase – ‘Europe’ didn’t ban anything. Norway, Sweden, and Finland recalled Fireball because it had levels of propylene glycol in it that exceeded recommended standards. This was a problem with one batch, it seems, and I’m sure Fireball will be back on shelves in no time. But the myth is out there now, both that Europe banned it, and that there’s anti-freeze in Fireball. There isn’t by the way. Propylene glycol is used in lots of things, like my e-liquid. It’s most likely in your toothpaste or your ice cream. Go check, I’ll wait.

So America can act as a warm fuzzy blanket. It comforts people, because it says that the outside world is scary, but you’re safe here. But in all honesty, the rest of the world isn’t a threat. As much as people outside the US bitch about it, you’d be amazed at the amount of people that would break your arm to get a free plane ticket out of your hand. Americans save us all their lives to visit their homelands in Europe. During the good times in Ireland, people were flying to New York City to do their Christmas shopping. No shit, they’d stay a few days, shop til they dropped, and then they’d fly home because the weak dollar was super good for Europe, and the Irish at the time.

There’s nothing to fear from the border, or the people crossing it. Ok well maybe there’s some stuff to fear, but look at the cuisine of the states next to the border with Mexico vs the Canadian border. Much less boiled meat and heart clogging gravy down here I’d wager. Immigrants are what built this country. I’ll remind you that the only difference between the people that cross the border, and me is paperwork. Nobody has reacted badly to me being an immigrant. People are intrigued, people ask about where I’m from, people are curious about my ways and customs. I’ve gotten tons of people to listen to my stories, because I’m a novelty. But I’m no different.

So how insular is the US? More than it should be, I reckon. The internet is changing things though. People are seeing the world that’s out there, and they’re no longer content to listen to a bunch of people telling them that the fucking Ruskies or whoever is coming over the hill to get them. People are coming over the hill, and you wouldn’t believe how good their food is. Or their music. Or their bullshit stories that everyone seems so interested in.

WTF America: Car Culture (Chapter 19)

Car Culture

Only, you hear.

The concrete octopus-fuck junctions always make me awed, and nervous

A V8 engine. The open road. A 1967 Shelby Mustang. A turbocharger kicking on as you ease the needle over 3,000 rpm, or a supercharger whining up to speed like jet engine, barely contained underneath the hood. A pickup truck, a chevrolet el camino, a Ford, a Chrysler, an Oldsmobile. Americans love their cars.

In all truth the car wasn’t invented here, not really, but they credit Henry Ford with bringing the assembly line model across from gun manufacturers, and making the car something that more people could own. The first cars were a bit shit, if we’re honest. They ran on lamp oil, they could go a few miles. It was a carriage with a mechanical horse in it. Interesting that we still measure things in horsepower. I always get a chuckle when I think of a Dodge charger being dragged along by 300 horses.

Whether it’s a restored coupe from the 50’s, or a chop top rat rod, a Nissan Skyline, or a monster truck, I understand the interest in cars. I very much enjoy machinery. I used to watch a lot of those custom motorcycle, and car building shows that were on the Discovery channel on the Irish version of cable. They call it Sky, and it’s a satellite service in case you were interested. I stopped watching that business when it became more about the horseshit manufactured in fighting between the stars. I recall the last one I watched. I had a free hour, so many years after I stopped watching the reality tv with the moustache men in it (And that is what these shows have become. Shouty moustaches)  I flicked on the tv and there was Jesse James. I was pleased – I had liked his specials years before that, and now he had a new show where he had just set up a shop in Texas to get away from some toxic environment that existed at the previous shop. I shall offer you as near I can my exact experience.

So the show opens, and the voice over guy teases that there’s a celebrity guest on the way during this episode. There will be a reveal later, stay and watch, they’ll be here later. I couldn’t give a shit about a celebrity guest, I’m here for motorcycles. So there’s a guy grinding on a bike frame for a few seconds, and then we’re outside. Some deliveries come in, there’s a minor argument, and then we go to advertisements. I’m 15 minutes into this program, and I have yet to see a motorcycle. After the break we are treated to 10 minutes of Jesse James talking about this truck that he’s selling. It’s the last thing tying him to the old shop, because it has the old shop logos on it. So he sells it. More commercials. 20 minutes in, haven’t seen a motorcycle. We come back, and a fight happens. I don’t even recall the reason, but the next ten minutes are spent on this fight between Jesse and some manager that’s done something wrong, but his wife is having a baby tomorrow, so they make up. After commercial, and another reminder about the celebrity, they have another, different fight. 40 minutes in – no motorcycle building. People have always seem to get interrupted with bullshit right as they’re about to make progress on the actual building on motorcycles. The next 20 minutes are threats of firing, threats of quitting, and then as the fucking celebrity is about to walk in, the show ends, and I am told that in the next episode I will know who it was.

Never did find out, because I’d just been subjected to a motorcycle building program that contained 20 minutes of commercials, and 40 minutes of not building any fucking motorcycles. Had to resort to watching Fred Dibnah talk about steam engines to get my mechanisms fix. British television is a lot better about instructing viewers about machinery and it’s impact on society, if you like learning about the impacts of steam power. And I do.

But American culture is strongly focused on everything that came after the model T ford. America did exist before this time – I checked – but it seems that the period 1776-1900 is often skipped over pretty quickly. Independence, then westward expansion, then the civil war, then some more westward expansion, then the turn of the century. I feel that I should look into this time period some more. It seems very formative, and I’m probably missing out on some interesting information.

But the car, the car, the car. No longer did it take 40 years to get from one coast to another. No more pony express, no sir. Now there was loading the whole family into the buick and heading to Florida for the summer. Now there was getting out onto the nice, fairly new, interstate highway system to drive on. Post war America is when the country radically realigns, and it is now stood firmly behind the car. The hells angels were formed during this period, and there’s a bunch of people that are firmly aligned behind the idea of love for the open road.

The open road concept feels very American to me. This idea that the country is huge, and there’s still something to be explored. All you need is a car. A camaro, a ford ranger, a VW van, a pinto, a pontiac. The conveyance isn’t important. What matters is that you can go, you can live, you can be free, because you have a car and all that’s stopping you from going is a quick trip to the gas station. And the country is big from all reports, and it will take some days to cross it if your goal is just coast to coast driving. Historic route 66, that takes you all the way from Chicago (Originally it seems, not sure about now) to Santa Monica California. I can only image what it would be like to make that run now, or at any point in the past. Scraping the ice off your car during a Chicago winter, and deciding that you’ve had enough, and hopping on the 66. America’s highway. A few days later, you’re on the sunny beaches of Santa Monica, a world away. It’s a suitably impressive image that I one day might want to recreate. To see the plains roll away behind you as you approach the Rocky Mountains, and then seeing the coast rise to meet you. Sounds suitably majestic.

The problem with the car culture is another product of postwar America – the suburbs. I’ve bitched about the suburbs before in this text, but I feel that the point needs iterating in a different fashion. Sure, it’s hard to get around without a car, that much is obvious. But… it’s hard to be an American without a car. This country is built not only by Detroit muscle, but it’s built for Detroit muscle. The distance between the houses is often dictated by the amount of space the driveways need. Two car garages are common on most suburban homes, and isn’t that a nice bit of aspirational thinking. You need two cars to fill that garage, so get two. More cars, bigger cars, faster cars. Because the car is the thing that can harness the nebulous freedom that you’re endowed with as an American. Your levis and your coke don’t necessarily mean freedom, despite what the enterprising pricks might tell you. The car does mean freedom.

But as with every positive, there’s the darker sides. One of the biggest killers of people in the US, and Ireland, and most countries with high car ownership rates is the cars themselves. People fear flying, but it’s the safest method of travel when you consider miles covered per passenger. Cars get into wrecks far more often. Obviously medical conditions account for most of the top ten causes of death, but car deaths are right up there. Car accidents are the biggest killer of teens aged 13-19, even if parents are terrified of kidnappers, and smoking, and drinking, and volleyball or whatever else the media told you is coming for your kids this year. Then there’s the pollution, the reliance on gasoline, which causes it’s own problems. But there are other drawbacks.

Do you think that we’re dismissing other technologies and systems, like robust public transport, high speed rail, better city design, and a dozen other really exciting things, because we’re so focused on cars? I know for a fact we are, because I ride a bicycle. Drivers will get mad at you, aggressively mad, because you dare to even ride a bicycle in the roadway. I’ll set you a scene. Kimberlee and I have to get to a bus stop, because we need to go into Phoenix to the social security office to get my number. We need to ride a few blocks before we get to the stop, and part of the journey doesn’t have a sidewalk. So we’re left with two options – either ride as close to the kerb as we can manage and risk getting clipped as somebody drives too close, or we ‘take the lane.’ This involves riding two by two, so that if someone wants to pass, they must change lanes. If we had been a single slow car we would not have provoked such ire.

The kind of rage usually reserved for somebody taking a shit in your breakfast cereal. The rage you’d find spewing from some drunken hooting dickhole at a hockey riot. Riding a mere foot or two behind the bicycles, laying on the horn like it was going out of style. I don’t know if you’ve had two tons of steel and asshole breathing down your neck, but it’s remarkably fucking threatening. Three drivers engaged in this behaviour. Because we tried NAY; DARED to waste precious seconds of your life by making you change lanes. Fuck pirates, the lot of them. I was very agitated, and yelling some unpleasantries at these drivers, because you fucking would be. Drivers act like cyclists shouldn’t be on the road at all. The road’s for cars, don’t you know, so I’ll be an asshole all day because you get around using your legs.

Speaking of assholes, there’s a thing here called ‘Rolling coal.’ There’s a certain crowd here, and it’s the same people that like to put bodykits on their cars back home, and put loud tailpipes on there, and to get their car ‘chipped’ and all sort of other nonsense. The types that like to speed on the backroads in the middle of the night, for the thrill of the race. Well, the thrill right until you wrap your car around a tree or two. There are speed focused gear heads here too, but the coal rollers are of a different ilk. Much as I dare to ride a bicycle, there are some that dare to drive a hybrid. They do it for the gas mileage, they do it to drive a toyota, they do it for the tax breaks, they do it because they care about the planet – whatever, not my business. The coal rollers believe this to be an affront to everything good and proper. So they install some aftermarket systems into their cars which dumps unburned diesel or gas into their tailpipes, and this produces voluminous clouds of choking black smoke. They’ll fire this up in front of a prius, behind a prius, between priuses, outside a prius convention, or anywhere else that’s apparently appropriate. Way to sound like level headed citizens. Public discourse through public pollution. Shite jockeys and fuck knockers, the whole lot of them.

I’m no eco-warrior. I ride a bike because I don’t have a car, nor do I know how to pilot one. I know the basics of making a car move, but I don’t have a drivers licence, nor have I received enough training, formal or informal, to reliably wrangle a single horse power, let alone a few hundred of them. But getting a car has been on my mind since I arrived. Let alone the distance limitations of a bicycle, let alone always making sure you have a ride somewhere and back from somewhere, let alone the hassle you get as a cyclist – you need a car to be a productive and included American. I’ve made some great friends, that are usually happy to go out of their way to pick me and the wife up, but without that lifeline we’d have been some very lonely people.

Imagine the economic impacts of not having a car in a country where the public transport is less than amazing. Can’t drive to job interviews, can’t drive to career open days, can’t drive to get your groceries so you’re limited to what you can carry, can’t drive to parties, can’t drive to vote, can’t drive to much of anything without a fucking car.

Where there are cars, there is car culture. But when America got its hands on the car, it decided to built everything around it. It’s difficult to think outside of this metal box.

WTF America: Homogenity (Chapter 18)


Precious Cheese.

Limit 4 per customer? I thought this was America

So there’s this widespread apprehension back home that all Americans are the same. People have some popular phrases people employ that highlight this idea, such as “Well you know in America, they (insert nonsense)” or “Them Americans, they’re always (further nonsense)” People seem to be of the belief that Americans are a monoculture. And I can see where they’d come to that conclusion.

Take for example some of the icons of American culture that make it overseas. Americans may be saddened to know that your wonderful food traditions are being represented by McDonalds franchises around the world. McDonalds does a pretty poor job at representing America. Low wages, substandard ingredients, frozen food, quick bullshit over lengthier substantive items. Wait…

Ok, fair point, but McDonalds does represent the American experience of low prices, quick service, and widespread enterprise over cottage industry. They train people that work in McDonalds to make things as much alike one another as possible, and ideally the experience from one McDonalds should not vary by any great degree. There’s no place for individuality within the franchises, lest the brand lose its brand profile. Ask non-Americans to identify American things and you’ll get a lot of answers that include McDonalds, Pepsi, and Coke. Also gun, cars, too much food, and other things that seem indicative of American culture to outsiders. Also action movies. To those outside the US, there’s little room for nuance when identifying American cultural products. Every movie is a Hollywood, Michael Bay crap-fest. While I’m on the subject; fuck Michael Bay. For a lot of reasons. Every burger is a Big Mac, ever record is Taylor Swift, or Katy Perry, every drink is a coke, or a bud light.

Homogenized, mass-market, watered down, flavourless, milquetoast, 2.2 kids, middle of the road, uninspiring, mediocre pap is what filters out of the United States, most of the time. There are gems, like Pacific Rim, or Moon Pies, or Dr. Pepper, but for the most part it’s popular garbage that sets itself in the mind of outsiders, instead of the interesting unknowns that stays within American borders.

Reflections of these interesting relatively unknown things, such as a decent burrito, are copied by outsiders. You would cringe, you would weep for mother Tex-Mex if you saw the paltry offerings that make it across the ocean, that are pretending to be Mexican food. It’s dismal. Nachos aren’t just tortilla chips with melted cheddar cheese on them. If it is not spicy, it is not ‘taco seasoning.’ There’s an Irish cultural artifact that is a shame upon my homeland. They call it a Taco-chip.

Imagine if you will, a heap of french fries. You’re with me so far. Then it’s time to put ‘taco sauce’ on it. That’s the first in a short line of missteps that continue to go unpunished. This taco sauce resembles no Mexican/Tex-Mex cooking you’ve ever seen. It’s usually pink. Upon this congealed heap ground beef is piled, and that ground beef may have been threatened with the idea of proper taco spicing, but it came through the experience remarkably unscathed. Then you pile this not with good queso, or any other decent cheese fit for the purpose, but you put some sharp cheddar on it. This culinary nightmare, this bastard of food, this nonsense of a dish is consumed whole heartedly on Friday and Saturday nights by drunk people, because no other people would consume this had they ever wrapped their chops around a decent burrito, or a real taco.

When you are presented with artifacts of culture that you’ve never experienced, you do the best you can to piece together the experience. It’s like receiving a piece of Ikea furniture, but the instructions are to a very similar but distinctly different piece of furniture. When you realize that it won’t be the same, you fall back on whatever you can guess. You make logical leaps, you insert information where there is none, and very often you get it wrong.

I feel like most cultures have this problem. For example, Americans will refer to it as St. Patty’s day, and this is incorrect. People respond with “It’s St. Paddy’s day, idiots!” but often fail to explain why it is wrong. For those not in the know, when you take a word from another language and convert it to English, the spelling sometimes changes. The original name for Patrick in Irish was Padraig, or Padhraig, or a number of other variants. There’s no T sound in that name. This is why Padraig becomes Paddy, but Patrick does not become Patty. The rules of the Irish language carry over into English, but if you’ve never encountered the Irish language you don’t know these rules.

Irish people don’t know the rules for American food, or most American anything else. It’s a cross cultural lack of exchange. Culture is merely surrounding activities with context, and when you move the artifacts to other cultures, they’ll apply their own context to them in lieu of yours, because they don’t know the source material. This is why the ‘taco-chip’ exists. This is why American pints of Canadian Guinness will never taste the same no matter how much Diageo tries.

So the monoculture. I understand why people believe that other countries exist as a monoculture, because unless you’ve experienced the local nuance, you’ll never imagine that country differently. “The French are assholes” is a popular sentiment from people that have never been to France, and from people that have only visited Paris as a tourist. “All Americans are fat” is an easy statement to make when the only America you’re exposed to on television is reports on obesity in the news, or reality tv shows about people getting stomach staples. Or you see Paula Deen making butter fried butter soup.

The United States is as nuanced as most countries, but most other countries don’t export their cultural products to other countries. You see Chinese restaurants worldwide, but I doubt that you’ve ever been to the Chinese version of McDonalds. If there is such a thing. It’s not really a mark of American cultural imperialism, as so many people seem to fear, it’s more a mark of the American flavour of capitalism. The world is there to be conquered for profit, so enterprising assholes that you wouldn’t speak to if you were related to the pricks, decide to take their brand of mass market, watered down bullshit to the rest of the world. Not because they believe they have a good product, but because they believe that there’s good money to be moneyed as they money money money money money.

America doesn’t have a mass market culture, it just happens to have such a massive marketing arm that everyone appears to have the same thing, at the same time. With faster distribution methods, the internet, and massive advertising budgets, enterprising pricks are unstoppable. Their message will be the message, at all times. So it’s hard to hear about New Orleans cuisine outside of New Orleans, or it’s hard to understand what the fuck a Yooper is, because BUD LIGHT NOW COMES IN AN ALUMINIUM BOTTLE. GET SOME. PARTICIPATE IN AMERICA. WITH BUD LIGHT. NO SERIOUSLY, BUD LIGHT IS TOTALLY GOOD. SURE IT IS.

This keyboard doesn’t have caps lock. I had to hold shift that entire time, just to get you close to American marketing. The big noise drowns out the little music that makes the world better. American craft beer has a wonderful scene, and some amazing seasonal beers, and year round brews that are honestly some of the best beers I’ve ever had. But you hear about Bud light, because they have the marketing money. American food, when mixed in with the traditions and ingredients of immigrants becomes interminably better, but all you hear about is Velveeta fucking imitation bullshit fondue cheese, like it’s the only cheese on the planet. Because if those enterprising pricks had their way, there would only be one product. To their chagrin, there isn’t. There’s a wonderful world of nuance on this American planet, and it’s in between the same shit. Between the Wal-marts, and the Targets, and the Old Navys, and the Wendys and the McDonalds, there’s a world. A world full of wonders, and nuance, and interesting little artifacts of culture, taste, smell and sound.

But you don’t see it, because they don’t market it. But that’s no big deal. You’ve got the internet, and you can search out these little things. I encourage Americans to do the same. Ireland isn’t a mono-culture either. It’s not all potatoes, whiskey, and special potatoes for making special whiskey. We’ve got food that isn’t boiled meat and boiled cabbage. There are beers that aren’t Guinness. There are people that aren’t alcoholics. There are colours other than green. There are phrases other than Slainte.

Any any Americans that happen to be in a position of power – export things that are better. There’s novelty in exporting twinkies, and red vines, and there’s some cross cultural exchange that can be had there, but there’s better stuff to be had. There are things that are integral parts of your culture that are worthy of sending to other people. There are also things that are not worth exporting. Like mountain dew – Satan’s radioactive urine.

Imagine other countries complexity. They’re full of people just like you. Some of them like shitty Mac and Cheese, some of them won’t accept anything other than the very best caviar. There are assholes on both ends of the spectrum, and every gradation between and often these people are the prime target of the enterprising assholes. I’ve noted a fair few people in Donegal putting ice in Coors light, because they realize just how bad Coors light tastes when it’s warm. So to them I say, instead of buying crappy American beer, drink good American beer. Or just drink better beer. Expand your cultural horizons, and then maybe we can get to a point where genuine cultural exchange is happening.

Then maybe we can do away with phrases like “Well, in America…” and “Well Irish people…” We can understand each other better. And please tell me, dear readers, that nobody is of the belief that Velveeta is either good, or actually cheese. Don’t listen to those enterprising assholes.

WTF America: Everything will be OK (Chapter 17)

Everything will be OK

Grin, or grimace?

Even the animal hospital murals are optimistic

When you grow up on an island, a small island made of rock, and covered in grass and more rocks, you gain a certain perspective on the world. Your world is quite small when all you know of it is a dot on a map, clinging to the side of the Atlantic ocean. That same ocean that is cold, and expansive. That ocean that took our loved ones and ancestors in more ways than one. The ocean that extinguishes the sun every night, that brings storms, rain, and fish and whatnot. It feels like the kind of perspective that you’d gain if you stood on the edge of the world, were it flat. You could look off into infinity and see that point where distance blurs and all you see is curvature.

The Irish have never really conquered anything. It’s been said that our style of invasion is more of an infestation, which is why there are so many countries around the world with Irish pubs, and there are more people that can claim Irish ancestry than could ever fit on the island. But we don’t take over things in the way that Spain, or France or England did. We were taken over, assisted, and abandoned by these people are various points in time. We’re not a country that makes world history, we’re a country that world history happens to. I’ll not go so far as to say we’re a footnote, but we’re not on a permanent member on the UN security council.

So when you’re small, and you’re surrounded by infinity, you can get kinda pessimistic. It often feels like the world is just happening around Ireland, and once a year people remember we exist by pinching each other and turning their technicolor yawn green. I don’t recall Irish people celebrating the 4th of July or anything. There’s not an equivalent day where we drape ourselves in American flags and roast marshmallows over burning pickup trucks or anything.

This pessimism is tempered by a really interesting fatalism that I’m not sure other countries understand. The people of the old country will make some really morbid statements, and everyone will laugh, because it’s the appropriate response. “I’m so hungry I’d eat an old man’s ass through a wicker chair” pops to mind. But there are other times where people will rattle off a bunch of stuff about how well, or poorly, their life is going and they’ll remark “Sure but I could be dead. I guess that would be worse/better.” Maybe we’ve never conquered anyone because of this fatalism. “The whole world’s fucked, but hey… you’ve got to laugh. You’d cry if you didn’t” is a prevalent attitude.

I haven’t noticed Americans sharing in this attitude. When things are going poorly, people will say that they’re going poorly, and then they’ll ask for help. Or people will spontaneously offer help, and it will be received. Nobody would say “Ah, sure you’re still living. Buck up, and fuck up would ya?”

By the way, I miss telling people to “fuck up” instead of “shut up.” It’s a phrase dripping with ire, masculinity, and the right amount of ridiculous. Also if I was to use the phrase “Ah jaysus; here comes that happy fucker” here, few people would understand why I was angry at someone else for being happy.

Americans are too helpful to let you be miserable for any extended period of time, at least the one’s I’ve met. It’s not that Irish people are unhelpful, they’re just a lot more business-minding going on. And not going on – Irish people have this amazing capacity to know your business before you do, but they’ll never say anything because knowledge is only power if it’s a secret, and you can watch someone walk headlong into a fucking mistake. They’ll tell you afterwards that they knew the whole time, as a method of rubbing salt in the wound. Not all Irish people are like this. This is a book of jokes, and observations. Relax Irish people, I may speak this way for I am one of you. And youse know you’re a right shower of cunts when you want to be.

“Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires” so the John Steinbeck quote goes. I think this phrase is mostly true because of the embarrassed millionaires part, never mind the socialism bit – there are resources out there, and you’re entitled to them, you just don’t have them yet. As an American you deserve a high standard of living, because you’re an American. Americans deserve a nice car, and a big house, and the other things, by virtue of being born here. There’s the other part of this that says you are only entitled to these things through work, and yeah, but the point stands.

Americans aren’t pessimistic in the way the Irish are, because there’s no belief that they don’t deserve something, should they earn it. Irish people are big on hiding their light under a bushel. You daren’t show that you’ve done well for yourself, because you’ll be pilloried. There will be snide remarks. Fuck ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ this is just bitching about success. When you’re of the belief that you’re economically oppressed, or functionally oppressed, or oppressed as a people, it’s hard to get out of that mindset. A lot of this belief is legitimate, but the Irish carry their cultural suffering around like the cross of Christ. It is heavy, and it is painful, and times were and are miserable, and have I mentioned how much this cross weighs? It’s heavy, you know.

American pessimism is a much more general pessimism. Politicians are not honest, of course pizza isn’t good for you, I’m unlikely to win the lottery. The general stuff that you’re aware of, because it’s stuff you should be pessimistic about. Irish pessimism is largely actioned through the phrase “Sure, what can you do?” There’s a lot you can do. You can get training, you can work harder, you can run for office, you can vote, you can protest, you can start a business, you can write a book, you can paint a painting, you can build a bomb, you can engage with the rest of society in an attempt to better it, or to destroy it. Do anything. Do anything other than saying “Sure, what can you do?” because you’re totally abdicating responsibility for the direction your country takes.

Citizens of the US do no such laurel sitting. They do run for office, even if they have zero qualifications to do so, because they believe. People don’t really tell them no, even if they disagree with them. There’s a belief that something can be done. Aside from the phrase “You can’t fight city hall” which I love for some unknown reason. They protest, they vote (Well, some of them, probably not enough for a truly representative sample) they change things. Because nobody dared tell them they couldn’t.

More often than not if you told an Irish people they couldn’t do something, they’d agree with you. Because that’s the culture. “What would you be doing that for?” Run for office – you’ll lose. Protest – no one will listen. Open a shop – no one will go there. I don’t get why Irish people are always interested in bringing one another down at home. Abroad the Irish will support the hell out of each other. That said, if you haven’t seen the water meter protests that are going on, check those out. Plenty of people are getting the lead out of their ass to make their voice known, and that’s wonderful to see. A democracy functions properly when the citizens are active.

To discuss business ownership, I shall bring you an anecdote from Donegal Town. There were two developers that wanted to build shopping centres. Neither wanted the other to have their shopping centre first (or at all) so they blocked each other. When you submit a planning permission application, people can object to it, which halts construction, and banjaxes the plans. So you have to start over. These bastards did this for something like 11 years. Never mind that both would have made profit, and the consumers of Donegal would have had more than one grocery store, they blocked each other. Couldn’t be letting that other guy have a single thing, was the attitude. They kept up this bickering for years until finally they reached a settlement and they agreed that construction would go ahead, on opposite ends of the town.

Then the housing and construction markets tanked in 2008, and both projects went on the chiller indefinitely. Well done lads. You fucked it for everyone. In the last few years some construction has happened, but it’s nowhere near what it should have been. For years Donegal Town has had no cinema, it didn’t have a shoe store for a long time, for the longest time there was only one men’s clothes shop. This is a small tourist town that shuts down for most of the year, because people couldn’t stop themselves from obstructing one another in case someone made out better than they did. Couldn’t let nobody have nothing. Not one fucking iota of success.

None of that here. You compete or you fucking die. If your business doesn’t gain, and maintain competitiveness, it closes. And nobody thinks this is a bad thing. If you work hard, you can prosper, so the saying goes. And people here really believe that. People start businesses all the time, people don’t take being fired as a life ending upset. The time between jobs here is more hellish than at home, by a long way. But the time between jobs is usually shorter. If you’re skilled, they’ll find work for you. Whereas at home if work can’t be found, well tough. Go wait.

Americans are optimistic, even at the worst of times. This optimism is often of a maniacal nature. Even in the worst of circumstance, there’s the belief that you can make it to the top. You’re a millionaire, you’re just waiting on the check. Through poverty, through unemployment, through natural disaster, through having the entire deck stacked against them institutionally and otherwise. The deck is stacked for some people. There are people out there for various reasons that will never get ahead, will never be millionaires. But that doesn’t stop an American. Never tell him what he can’t do. Never tell him the odds. Never for one minute try to convince an American there’s something that she can’t do. Don’t you dare tell her that she’ll never own a maserati, never have a hot body, because she’ll work bitch, and she’ll prove you wrong. So very very wrong.

I’ve seen Irish people prove other people wrong, but I’ve seen it done more often out of spite. I feel like Americans are less prone to spite, because there’s abundance here. There at least appears to be unlimited resources, so why wouldn’t you go out there and get your slice? You just have to work for it, and you’ll get it. Honest.

There’s this belief that Americans have, some Americans, that they’re exceptional. Sometimes they’re just exceptional because they’re Americans. I’ve rarely seen an Irish person with the belief that they were exceptional. We believe we’re special, especially when we’re overseas, because we become oddly exotic. I’d describe myself as odd, different, noteworthy, and a number of other things, but never exceptional.

From what I’ve seen there’s a general background hum in the US. This hum says “We’re exceptional.” “We’re number one.” “Everything will be ok.” It says these things, regardless if they are true or not. And Americans believe them. Regardless if they’re true or not.

And in the words of Billy Connolly – I’d rather be told to have a nice day by someone who doesn’t mean it, than be told to fuck off by someone who does mean it.

WTF America: Anniversaries (Chapter 16)


One year ago today

Photo by Jessia Hately, courtesy of www.wetakenicepictures.com

You get reflective around anniversaries. Well I do, and all of my anniversaries happen around the same time. Kimberlee and I met around this time. We started talking one on one around this time. I visited the US around this time, for the first time, in 2009. Kimberlee visited Ireland in 2010 around this time. I moved here around this time a year ago. I got married on this day last year.

When this period of reflection began, this year didn’t feel like a year at all. Interestingly it felt like around 6 weeks, or maybe 3 months. Enough time to pass that you know it wasn’t a week or two ago, but no significant period of time. You’d describe it as a few weeks ago, or the other day. I feel like maybe it’s because I’ve been happy. It’s not like I’ve spent my entire life miserable or anything, but I had a fairly angry teenage period, and was sullen throughout high school, and most of college. And for a few years after college too. Returning from the US was painful, and it made the time thereafter longer. The only thing that punctuated my weeks was the dole pickup. I only had to leave the house once a week, so that’s all I did for a while. I became one with my chair.

That time became long, and slow. It was a grinding period wherein all I was doing was waiting. When you wait for time to happen, it does, but at a pretty excruciating pace. Slower than one second per second it seems. Some infinities are larger or smaller than others, and my personal 2 year infinity felt much like I’ve described it.

But this period of time, between October 31st 2013 and October 31st 2014 was short. Really short. I thought establishing a life would be harder, but it seemed to be pretty easy, honestly, once I had gotten the components together. Social security number, job, apartment, that sort of thing. I guess the time before and after feel so elastic because getting here and getting married was the end of a story. You build it up in your mind that this is the ending, the closing chapter, the end to two years of being so unjustly separated.

But, obviously, it’s the beginning. Of a new life, of a marriage, of a lifetime in another country. But it doesn’t really feel that way. They never go into the happily ever after in fairly tales because the happily ever after isn’t the interesting bit. There’s no drama without conflict, and as much as I’ve tried to serve up heaping dollops of character development, drams, villains and heroes in this book, this year has been very normal. Kimberlee and I worked together to earn our keep in this world. We cooked meals for each other, we shared the house work, we slept in the same bed, we went to parties, we drank beer, and went grocery shopping. Can you imagine Jasmine from Aladdin buying a cabbage? No, because who cares. It’s not all that interesting to most people. Honestly, if I had just moved here from New Jersey I don’t know that this book would exist. Most people in this position would tell you about the long distance relationship, and the challenges the relationship encountered. And then you get on a plane, or you drive to the opposite coast for a few days, and the story is kind of over. In fact, the story would probably end with the phrase “And the rest is history” because it is. It’s just a series of events that occurred after you left the theatre and someone came in to sweep up popcorn.

Because of the nature of social media, I know this year happened. It’s all listed up there, with date stamps, and pictures and people that I’ve met this year clicking like when I’ve said something they find interesting, or adorable, about a man encountering spray cheese for the first time. Which by the way, spray cheese is the American version of marmite. There’s no one that’s indifferent. This is either the worst thing ever, or the finest of American culinary engineering. This year happened. I have proof. This book is proof. But it still doesn’t feel real, because so much of it doesn’t feel new or different any more.

When you move to a new country, I feel like the key to achieving this normality – if that’s what you’re looking for – is not to try and engage with your world like you did with your old country. When I came here in 2011, I was always on the lookout for Irish things, and trying to live in the Irish way. That’s all well and good in the short term, but you’ll end up spending way over the odds on normal items, because now they’re in the ethnic foods section. I was told by a friend that had lived in the US previously that blending in was key, and while I don’t think I’m actively trying to blend in, I think I’m passing very well. My accent has always been pretty mild, but what little accent I had had softened further, as I pick up on the diphthongs of the people around me. A diphthong by the way is the sound that happens when you say two vowel sounds together, and in most cases it forms a consonant sound. This is where accents primarily come from by the way – different cultures have different diphthongs, and that’s where the variance comes from. So you pick it up from them.

You pick up the local habits and mannerisms, you start eating their food, and you start living the way they do, and pretty soon you’ve kinda gone native. I haven’t picked up a lot of American indulgences in the last year. I do now maintain a bottle of ranch dressing in my fridge, because chicken wings, celery, carrots, and pizza crusts are vastly improved by it’s presence as far as I’m concerned. I drink RC cola sometimes. I’m partial to a moon pie, I grab some twinkies on occasion. I spend more time around coffee shops that I do bars.

I’m trying to think about how much this experience has changed me, because usually at this point in a book, you’re starting to learn some lessons. The plot has developed substantially, and now you’re invested in your hero’s journey. You’re in it to the end by this point, hopefully. So around the middle of a book the usual thing is to present the main character with a point of no return. But we did that in chapter two, and I’m already in the US. So I guess I should lay some wisdom on you.

Well I’d like to but I don’t have a whole lot of it. One of the take home facts I can give you is that Americans are normal. Surprising I know, but it’s true. Yeah, they’re a little shinier, and a little happier, and maybe their opinions are louder, and the don’t drink as much and they own too many guns, but they’re normal folk. They put their pants on in the morning, same as you do. I was nervous when I arrived that I wouldn’t fit in with them. I’d be an oddity, there would be too many barriers, and we just wouldn’t get each other. But they’ve been remarkably welcoming as a group. I’ve found several of them that are willing to listen to me wax lyrical about the old country – because I enjoy being an oddity – and it’s fun for me. I like to think that I can facilitate a cross cultural exchange.

People also like to show me off. People will introduce me as “Dave; he’s Irish. As in from Ireland. Like he’s an immigrant. He only got here a year ago!” I’d protest, but I love the attention. It’s fun to be different, even while blending in.

I wish I had great wisdom to bring you on the subject of marriage and living in the US. Mostly it’s just normal. Never go to bed angry, either at your spouse or at America. Always try to have a rational conversation when you’re angry at each other, either your spouse or America. Don’t hold grudges against your spouse or America – they’re both doing their best with what they have, and honestly your spouse and America know that you can be pretty hard to deal with too. Kimberlee and I had waited 5 years to be together, so what’s most important to us now is just spending time together. Those things that are normal, like sitting on the couch together, are special to us. So I guess never take your relationship with your spouse, or America, for granted.

You know what? Pop psychology, and canned advice, goes a long way to telling you what sort of relationship you should have with your country. Nurture your America, care for it, look out for it’s interests. But let it grow and change, let it be itself, allow it the space to understand itself as a young and growing nation. I believe the sequel to this book may have to be a self-help book for constitutional democracies.

So here’s to the United States of America, where I’ve just spent my first full year of marriage. I’ve learned that Americans, mostly, are just normal people. Don’t believe the hype when people tell you Americans are insane, or they’re a bunch of gun toting psychos, or they eat cheesecake instead of brushing their teeth, or whatever other prejudiced nonsense is out there. The Irish have positive stereotypes, and that can do us a dis-service too. It’s normal here. Amazingly normal most of the time. And then sometimes you visit a gun store for the first time, and it behaves like a cathedral. Or you visit the grocery store and there’s religious breakfast cereal. Or the tv sells you boner pills.

Nah, I’m full of shit, it’s really weird here. I mean really. What the fuck is spray cheese.

WTF America: The Mall (Chapter 15)

The Mall

Shopping to be had

In case this is news to you, let me begin by telling you that Americans like to shop. I’m fairly sure it was Americans that invented the term retail therapy – the practice of making yourself feel better through shopping. We’ve all done it from time to time I’m sure. You’re a little down, or you’ve had a hard week and now the paycheck is here. Your interests don’t lie in another meal, or alcohol, and maybe the necessities are already paid for. You’ve got some you money. Some walking around money, a little scratch that no one is demanding from you. So its time to go shopping.

But what deserves your money? And what kind of shopping are you in a mind for? As an answer to this question, the United States provides you with a bewildering array of options. Think of something you’d like. Anything at all, that’s legal. Don’t worry if it’s within the bounds of reason, or affordability, just think of it. Now I shall inform you that you can go a store that stocks this item exists in the United States exists. This may be the case for a lot of major cities around the world – you’ll get most anything. But I’ve never seen so much everything for sale here. Earlier today I went to a gun store. Not a sporting goods store, which is different, not a pawn shop, which is different, but a gun store. And boy did this joint have a lot of guns. A gun for every price bracket, accessories for your guns, ammunition, scopes, magazines for your guns, and there might have been gun magazines, but I couldn’t say for sure. They even had a Barrett 50 Calibre.

This level of specialization isn’t native to just the gun stores, no. There are specialist electronic cigarette stores, specialist grocery stores, specialist retail supply stores. There are stores you can go to if you need to start a store, and most of these are not closed to the public. Some of them are members only, but membership isn’t necessarily that exclusive. If you’ve got the cash, very few people are going to get in your way when it comes to buying it.

This specialization is most on display down at the good old mall. Malls exists outside of the US, but most that I’ve been to are not malls – they’re shopping centres. Someone decided to build a structure to house a number of shops, and then shops rent that space. And malls function in this way too, but it’s not really the same. Strip malls are a lot like shopping centres, in that there’s just a strip of stores with parking out front. They don’t inspire gathering like a traditional mall does. A Wal-mart mega, hyper, or gargantuan centre doesn’t feel at all like malls do. Wal-mart and its ilk; the justly named “Big box stores” are just that. They build a colossal box, and then they fill it with store. Department store to be specific, but this isn’t bespoke at all. It’s just aisle after aisle of stuff. Things. Everythings.

Your typical trip to a big box store has a few things in mind. “We need paper goods, and ice, and plastic cups for the party. And they’ll have all that at the big box store. It’s all under one roof, so we’ll get it all at once” is this thinking. But you’ll never get out of there without extra shit. The prices are too low, or you’ll suddenly decide that you need a bicycle, or a shotgun, or a case of mallomars, or a handle of vodka, or a wheelbarrow or some shit, and you’ll get it. Because “while I’m here. While it’s cheap. While I have the pickup truck with me.” They do everything in one place, and often when you find a shop that works that way, or someone that provides a service like that, you’ll find the service or store lacking a certain directionality. A jack of all trades is a master of none, so the saying goes.

The mall circumvents this by having each store provide a specific service. You’ll get bespoke tailoring and a larger clothing retailer that will do you a cheap pair of jeans. Stores that provide nothing but accessories for your phone – granted I’ve seen these at home, but they didn’t make it the art that Americans have made it. “We just sell replica swords and knives” could easily be the name of your store. “Pretzels, pretzels, pretzels, pretzels, and also some dip for those same pretzels” would be another. Only suits for cats. Only cats. Those notebooks with the custom names embossed on the front, right into the leather with the gold? R’ Us. Custom shaving equipment, custom dancing equipment, “Shoes, shoes, a fuckton of shoes ok?” “Sock town.” Just scary pictures of clowns that grandmothers don’t think are scary, but frighten the bejesus out of children.

You get my point. Malls house the niche pursuits of Americans. I’ve never seen a custom shaving store outside of Dublin. If you want custom shaving shit in Ireland, like old style shave soap, or a cut-throat razor, you’ll probably be going to a major city, which in the case of Ireland most of the time means Dublin. Here, you’ll be able to cater to most of your whims in practically every city. There’s a lot of space here, which leads to a lot of space for niche. You can indulge every passion, and most of the time you can go to a place where you’ll enjoy your weird hobby and you’ll meet other people. If your hobby is particularly popular, like guns in Arizona, you’ll have no shortage of options. Plenty of people have seen these markets that have the potential to generate a lot of revenue, so they have built it. And then people came.

I was in a sporting goods store today, which is different to a gun store, and the building was very much like a cathedral. Well if instead of pews there were racks of flannel, and instead of an altar there was a 40 foot tall waterfall surrounded by taxidermy animals. Why do people build churches and cathedrals? To store the light, because God lives in the light and the evil lives in darkness. God’s house needs to be bright, because it reminds us that there is shining brilliance in the world. For the record I consider myself a retired catholic. I reason that it’s a little like being a retired cop – it never really leaves you, but you get to retire now. But you never really retire, you just stop showing up to walk the beat every day. I’ve laid religion aside. But I still appreciate those places where the light lives, maybe because I grew up with it, or maybe because there’s something to it.

We carve out of marble, because it’s brilliant in the real sense. Americans build cathedrals that are largely made out of glass to let the light in. They put skylights in their malls and their sporting goods stores, because if you let the light in, people want to be there. They’ll congregate, again in the very real sense. We’ve decided that diamonds and gems, and gold, are expensive because they reflect that light, they refract it, they shine. And we want to be associated with things that shine. Look at the palaces around the world, and note that very few are dingy, and with low ceilings. They’re great, they’re massive, they’re.. palatial.

Americans don’t build a lot of palaces. Unless you think about the homes of the super rich, but they’re not kings, they’re just people with money. The American palaces are the shopping palaces, the malls. I came to this realization a while ago, and I don’t really know what it means. Shopping is a method of expression here. To be a shopper can be an identity, and it can define a person. Watch the Kevin Smith movie Mallrats and you’ll see that many, many hours can be spent in the mall even if you’re spending very little. Maybe malls draw people in because they love to shop, or maybe people love to shop because malls are full of light.

I wonder sometimes what people that are engaged in retail therapy are doing. Are they killing boredom? Because I’ve killed boredom with shopping. Are they just wasting time, because again I’ve done that. Window shopping is a great way to not actually keep up with the Johnsons, but to keep up with what the Johnsons are keeping up with. Are people shopping their grief away? Are they getting over a bad breakup by replacing the stuff that was previously jointly owned, and is now mostly likely smouldering lightly in a yard somewhere?

Or do they just need a new pair of fucking khakis. Sometimes it’s khakis. Probably most of the time its khakis. I read somewhere that Americans spend an average of two hours a week shopping for things that aren’t food. I don’t believe that I spend that much time shopping, but when I think about, I’m starting to break out in longer and longer bouts of shopping. I’ve got a little tickle in my wallet. I wonder just how much people judge one another, around the world as well as here, based on the amount of stuff they’ve accumulated. I reckon a lot of people feel judged, even if there’s a lot less judging going than one might think. But still there’s this infectious desire to shop, to spend money, to accumulate things, to own, to possess.

Maybe society is becoming more materialistic, but so fucking what. Prior to the desire for material things, what was the societal desire? I don’t think that societies have desires. 316 million people do not easily fit into one single box. It doesn’t mean much to be American, as far as I’ve seen. It also doesn’t mean much to be anything else. Sometimes you’re this nationality or that by accident of birth, by choice, or by dint of perspiration as you battle uphill against the people that control the borders.

I don’t think that ‘I shop therefore I am’ is something that people practice or personify here. But there is a lot of shopping. More shopping than could fill a lifetime. I saw a $69,000 dollar shotgun today. So that’s a thing. I don’t necessarily know if that means anything, but shopping got me thinking.

WTF America: Gotta have that confidence (Chapter 14)

Gotta have that confidence

Is there a God of confidence?

So that I’ve thoroughly alienated probably a large part of my audience, there’s no reason to stop there. One of the main aims of this book is to make sure that nobody ever reaches the end, because that’s where the really insightful stuff is. I only want the most soul-dead and irritated people to rage-read their way to true enlightenment. Well not really. Well… maybe.

So, in case you hadn’t heard, there’s a woman out there called Jenny McCarthy, a former MTV personality, turned anti-vaccine advocate. Before we get too deep into this, I’ll say the following; I believe that vaccines are probably the best advancement that humanity has made in the war against pretty much everything that can kill us. We never seem to be interested in warring against the things we use to kill ourselves, but I digress. For various reasons people can’t take vaccines, either because of adverse reactions, or compromised immune systems  or a number of other reasons I can’t speak to, because I’m not a doctor. My gripe isn’t necessarily with Ms. McCarthy’s insistence that vaccines do, or do not cause autism, or that she is or isn’t anti-vaccine, or any of the other things that cloud an issue that should be relatively straightforward.

My question is why would anyone take medical advice from people that are not medical professionals. I get that there are different ways and means of curing illness, however Irish comedian Dara O’ Briain made the point that we tested alternative medicines and those that passed the test – in that they worked – became ‘medicine,’ and everything else could just be considered a nice bowl of soup and some pot pourri. I don’t doubt that things that are not medicine do tend to work (The placebo effect is very real) and there’s something to be said for things that make you feel better. Because most of the time that’s what you’re after as someone who’s sick or in pain. You feel bad, and want to feel better.

People take all sorts of terrible advice from other people, and there are plenty of people over here that seem very ready to give advice, medical or otherwise, that isn’t grounded in any sort of fact, logic, or often even reason.

We didn’t land on the moon you know. The world is hollow, and there are a race of lizard people that live on the inner skin of what is our comparative outer skin. The bible’s the history of the world you know, line for line, blow for blow, no detail left out. Isis is going to kill you, the reds are coming from your children, the pot will rot your brain, chemtrails, alien invasions, crop circles, freaky DNA, pyramids, ancient magic, white witches, weight loss, weight gain, sweet protein, oxygenate your colon, bring a twinkle to your eye, smoking makes you cooler.

I don’t know if this is an artifact of American confidence, overconfidence, or some sort of zealous and dogged clinging to this information you possess – it’s true. This is truth, there is no other truth. No other truth is even possible, for I have the monopoly on truth. It’s always interested me that almost every religion has said that it is assuredly the one true faith. I will be amused at the stunned faces in the afterlife that had no idea you needed to worship and pay fealty to Ra, the sun god, or some pelt on sticks that was an object of adulation of some prehistoric people. The pelt is the one true god. Read Neil Gaiman’s American Gods by the way, cracking look at religions both ancient and modern.

I’ve never knew it was possible to see so many people that were right in one lifetime. They’re on the television, they’re making movies, they’re writing newspapers, they’re pundits, and talking heads, and jabbering ninnies with some sort of platform. I’ve noticed in my own life, that if you craft a phrase correctly, you can get people to believe you even if you have no idea what you’re talking about. I was having a conversation with some people who opposed transnational oil pipelines, because these pipelines have been leaking a lot. The phrase I employed was “Well, if you know anything about pressure systems, you know it’s beneficial to make the system larger, because then the pressure overall will decrease, meaning that the leaks aren’t so bad” and I was briefly believed until I admitted that I had no idea what I was talking about.

Maybe that’s it. If you speak with conviction, people will believe you, because you believe in yourself. It’s all about self-confidence. All else must be sacrificed on the altar of self-confidence, because that’s all that seems to matter anymore. You just get into a position where people will listen to you, then get them to believe you, even if you’re talking out of your ass, or you’re outright lying. It sounds nice to defer to someone that speaks with authority. They know what they’re talking about after all – he said it so well, and he says he’s an expert. And I suppose that swings us back to our point about Dr. Oz, and our point about media literacy.

I am, by no stretch of the imagination, in any way inferring that Americans are unable to spot a bullshit artist. People aren’t stupid. And I’m sure that if you’ve grown up in this country and in this culture, you’ll see a lot of these people coming before I do. That’s what makes it all the more baffling when people who have no right leading a discussion get into a position where they’re calling the shots as to the direction of the conversation. American politicians are excellent at doing this. I’ve seen Irish politicians fumfer and stutter, they turn red and you can hear the lies in their sweat. You know these are guys that wanted a little power, so they go it, and now suddenly it’s an embarrassment of riches. They very abruptly become aware that they have responsibilities now, and that once the good times go bad, not only are they out of a job, they will be hounded by people everywhere they go for the rest of their lives.

American politicians seem to have no such qualms. American politicians will shut down the entire government if they don’t get their way. Everyone be damned. Because they have a nuclear option, and they’ll deploy it with confidence if they feel the need. They’ll filibuster, and block, and aggravate, and they’ll campaign in the media, and they will totally hang people out to dry because someone sent someone else a picture of their dick. These are the most confident people that have ever walked the face of the earth, and they are the people with least right to be confident. This is probably a high minded notion that never actually applied, but aren’t politicians supposed to be public servants? Aren’t they supposed to be enacting the will of the people for the betterment of those people, and the nation?

George Carlin stated that politicians aren’t beamed down from space, they’re us, and he’s right. He said “Garbage in, garbage out” of the political system, and I don’t totally agree with that one, but he’s kind of right. When the loudest voices, the most confident people, those people THAT ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT and will not take no for an answer are the ones leading the debate, we don’t get best results. Confidence will kill us all. I saw a book in the library today that advocated a pre-emptive strike on Iran. The purpose of this strike? To destroy them before they destroy us with nuclear weapons. This is just a guy that wrote a book, he probably doesn’t have a lot of power outside of the pages of that book, but I’m sure he’s very confident in his opinion. There’s no other way around it.

Article one of the American constitution is all about the freedom of speech, and that’s wonderful. It’s probably the smartest thing a government has ever put into place, well except maybe the Magna Carta, but still it’s a good one. People can criticize their government, and they can criticize each other, and they can say whatever they want. Nobody is supposed to be able to bring harm on you just because they don’t like something that you said, outside certain caveats like libel and defamation and things like that. But. And oh what a but, a but that will probably get a lot of people angry.

With every right comes a responsibility. And I don’t see a lot of people here exercising a lot of responsibility in speech. They’re saying anything, and everything, and they’re so confident about it that people are publishing books about bombing Iran, and other people are giving Jenny McCarthy a platform to dispense medical advice. You can say anything you like, and I encourage people to exercise this right. Say anything you damn well please. But how often do you think the confident people stop to check their facts? Or how often will the confident people be persuaded to change their position when presented with new evidence that challenges something that they hold dear. You could call this thing they hold dear a prejudice.

Resistance to change is not native to America. People hate change, and people love change. It just can’t be the wrong kind of change. It can’t be the wrong kind of truth. It can be totally untrue though. Just gotta be confident.

I’ve used the phrase bullshit artist a lot during the writing of this thing, sometimes fondly, sometimes not, but I don’t believe it necessarily applies here. These confident people; fundamentalists, hard-liners, stalwart champions of the cause – they believe. These people are the true believers, and I’ve got to say that I think these people are probably the most dangerous. Because their positions are so often intractable. There’s no force on earth that will persuade them. In a debate between Ken Ham, head of a creationist museum, and Bill Nye, the science guy, they were asked what would persuade them to change their views. Ham answered confidently that nothing would change his mind – he was right and he was confident. Bill Nye was equally confident. His answer I think is a much better answer to the question though. The only thing that would change Bill Nye’s position on evolution;


WTF America: Why do people trust Dr. Oz? (Chapter 13)

Why do people trust Dr. Oz?

It's a god damn miracle drug I tell you

So the idiots lantern, the goggle box, the boob tube, the unblinking eye. This box sits in homes, bars, hotels, airports et. al all around the world and it’s a constant stream of information. Sometimes that information is important, sometimes it’s entertaining, sometimes it’s just a test card, or a fire burning on christmas day, but the television is always there.

Television is not a uniquely American product – I grew up on television. My father watched the moon landing on tv with his father at a neighbour’s house. I grew up on cartoons, same as you, I watched movies months after they came out, just like you, I got my news from it, I learned about the world from it, I watched the twin towers come down. Television has united the world, and divided the world. We may think that the internet has supplanted it as our main source of television, but most people outside of my age group still spend more time watching the flickering, humming window than they do surfing Twitter and checking Facebook. The tv is constant companion to our lives.

It makes sense that people trust it. It’s always been there, throughout their lives. Many have never known a time without it. They grew up on, same as me. But as time goes on, people are diverging from the opinions of the television. People access information outside the main narrative, for good or ill, and they construct the world given information they have sourced themselves. The internet may not have supplanted TV, but the genie is out of the bottle when it comes to everyone thinking in lock step. Used to be that only crackpots had divergent opinions. Now it’s anyone with an internet connection and a curious nature. When you have all the world’s information at your fingertips you are no longer beholden to that one source, that ever present siren in the corner of the living room.

That said, people still trust the TV. I was at a party a few months ago, and someone made some comment about Dr. Oz in conversation with me. I know maybe two or three things about Dr. Oz: first he’s a doctor that appears on TV, and secondly he sells health supplements in commercials. I guess it’s only two things about Dr. Oz. My follow up comment was something along the lines of “Sure, what are you listening to him for?” which I considered to be a fairly innocent dismissal of a TV doctor. I was met with an emotion that was a little more than contempt, and a little less than anger. I dropped the issue swiftly, because nothing sucks the fun out of a party like an argument, but it got me thinking. People trust Dr. Oz. And I can’t help but wonder if they trust him because he’s a doctor, or because he’s on television.

The TV here asks me to trust it all the time. Often it asks me to trust it more than I would trust my own doctor. I’ll explain. I’m watching the 6 o’clock local news because my I’m new to the area, and it’d be nice to know what’s going on in the locality. I’m greeted with stories of murder, and burglary, and shootings, and stealing, and you’d never leave the house if you believed that the world was that bad out there. Most dangerous thing in my neighbourhood, which has been known in the past as “Sin city,” are the frat boy party buildings on the corner. And I’ve no fear of them fellas, they’re only partying. Between the stories of murder, and the closing story about a duck that learned how to love, there are the commercials.

Commercials for boner pills. Now if you’ve lived a sheltered life I’ll fill you in as best I can while being as vulgar as possible. If you have difficulty laying with your wife, in the biblical way, in your twilight years, there are little pills that can help you out. These pills can cause an effect. If this effect lasts longer than four hours, a doctor should be consulted. After watching the local news for a few days I came to the conclusion that I was the only person under the age of 50 watching it, because every commercial was for medication. Heart medication, cholesterol medication, blood pills, and the star of our show – boner pills. The commercials for these things, and all medication, use the phrase “Ask your doctor if blank is right for you.” Come again? Why am I asking my doctor about medication, if I am not currently on these medications? I’m inclined to go to the doctor, and have them offer me advice or prescriptions based on symptoms I describe. I had no idea I had vertigo until I went to a doctor after a prolonged dizzy spell. I’m sure that I wasn’t going to ask my doctor about specific types of medication.

Which brings me back to Dr. Oz. I began floating the idea for this chapter, I mentioned that it might be about Dr. Oz and the fact that, from what I’ve heard, he’s a bullshit artist. I was roundly beaten down, not because Oz isn’t a bullshit artist, but because he is in fact a doctor. I don’t doubt that he’s a doctor, I just wonder how much of his motivation revolves around furthering his TV show, reach, celebrity, and audience, instead of handing out sound medical advice. Recently he called for questions on Twitter, and was met with a wall of people calling him a quack. Seems that my relatively blind distrust of a doctor on TV was partially founded. The New Yorker called him the most trusted doctor in America, and asked if his focus on the TV show was detrimental to the health of his patients, and the American people at large.

This is the first chapter of WTF America that has entailed any research on my part. Most of the rest of the words in this remarkable feat of literary greatness have been lived experiences, things that have happened to me. A subjective tale of life as an immigrant. I had to read some stuff for this one, because the response I kept getting to Dr. Oz was resoundingly positive from people that were aware of his work. I haven’t watched an episode, but he reportedly pulls in 4 million viewers every day, which is a hell of an achievement. However, the focus of this chapter, while it seems to be Dr. Oz, it isn’t. I’m just curious as to why Americans seem to trust the tv.

The standard assumption is that people trust doctors, so they trust Dr. Oz. But when the TV tells you to ask your doctor about pills, when it tells you to request your cholesterol medication by name, to essentially tell your doctor to prescribe you something, then are we to believe that we’re supposed to trust our doctors? Or do people trust Dr. Oz because he’s on the television. People trust the news anchors, so they believe what the news anchors tell them. I used to challenge myself when I was in college to watch Fox News. It was a student of media, journalism, and film, so the challenge was to watch Fox News and fact check in real time. I was trying to analyze claims made, to view agendas, to examine subtext, to derive what the true message was underneath all the coded language, and the ladies with the blond hair and long legs. Watch Fox News some time – note the way that the woman with the blonde hair is always sitting in a way that shows off her legs to their fullest extent. I did the same thing with CNN. It was most fun to run this experiment on live rolling news, because you could see a story break and then you’d see the anchors, pundits, and bullshit artists scramble to fit each new development into a narrative that the producer thought would pull in the greatest number of views.

Rolling news makes people scared. The pattern is to scare you into listening to them, and then each time you’re scared of the world, you’ll seek them out to tell you what the real story is. And then they’ll scare you again. A lot of stuff is objectively scary, like Ebola. But ebola is easily defeated with a little purell, or just soap, water, and not touching dead people. Throughout the election cycle, which wrapped recently, the narrative was border fence. I get that Arizona is on the border, but when every commercial, pro or anti, mentions the border fence with the intent of scaring you into voting for one person or the other, I’m not inclined to trust any of these people.

I’m not inclined to trust people who have their financial well being tied to selling things, or tied to a TV show, or something else along those lines. I get it – bitches gotta eat – but why would I trust the person that’s selling me something to anything other than sell me something. My brief and likely in fact paltry research has led me to the belief that Dr. Oz is a salesman. And that’s all well and good, sell your heart out. Sell those diet pills, and those herbal boner pills, and the shakes, and the nutrition bars, and all the other shit, because that’s what you do. But when you approach the issue as a reported expert, and then you act like you’re doing people a favour by offering them a life solution or a cure, then you’re a bullshit artist. If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, it’s more than likely a salesman selling duck repellant at a discounted price.

What I’m getting at here, is that some people trust the television, and I don’t really get why. If you’re living in a nation besieged by media messaging, branded content, advertising, and agendas slated by profit at every turn, why would you trust anything at all? I’m not saying that the ‘official message’ is horse shit, because sometimes it’s just untwisted truth that’s being passed along. Sometimes you need to just get you some facts so that you can have a better understanding of the world. But take a little time, and look at the other side. You can totally dismiss them as quacks and crackpots if you like, you can let everything you’ve just heard slide out of your head as soon as you’re done reading it. But maybe don’t trust the TV once in a while. I’ve never been of the opinion that TV makes people dumbed, I just think that people put too much stock in it. And when living in a country like this, the TV is everywhere, and perhaps its just safest to just assume that not everything you hear, or read, or listen to is either gospel truth or total bullshit. Get some more vitamins and a little more roughage in your media diet. But not Dr. Oz’s pills.

WTF America: New! And improved? (Chapter 12)

New! And improved?

Holy shit. Bacon bowl

So the ad men, the PT Barnums of this world, the marketeers, and the bullshit artists all want to sell you something. This isn’t surprising, this is their business. But that oft quoted line that PT Barnum probably didn’t actually say – “There’s a sucker born every minute” – has been intriguing me since I began studying the foibles, eccentricities and plain old WTFs of this American planet. And some of the greatest of these WTFs come from the ‘As seen on tv’ products.

Our good friends and progenitors across the sea are not unaware of these concepts. There’s late night tv shopping, where buff assholes with mullets will sell you this year’s flavour of elliptical, cross fit, underwater, on the moon strider that burns fat and guess how many minutes per day you have to use it for? It’s always 6 isn’t it. Why six? And you can watch tv while you use it, or you can knit or read while some electric weight belt shocks the bejesus out of you. We have these things back home too. There’s even a local catalog that comes around, much like the Avon lady, or the Mary Kay, or the Pampered Chef or those other programs. Ours is called the Kleeneze catalog, and it’s chock-full of this shit. Special tupperware that is designed specifically to hold bacon, or a certain type of cracker, or a house coat that you can plug into the wall, or a little metal cat silhouette with marbles for eyes that’s stamped out of metal. You put this cat in your garden. It frightens other animals.

The products that show up in this Kleeneze catalog are largely shit. But their purpose is not to be new, or interesting, their purpose is to solve a problem you didn’t know you had. You didn’t know you had this problem, because it never crossed your mind that you needed to put down slug poison, or to buff wooden tables with the same stuff bartenders use. The simplest answer is that you don’t have these problems. These things are filling a niche in your life that their existence created, and then your mind puts them in that slot because there’s an empty double-wide electric slipper shaped hole in your life now. And this catalog just so happens to have this double wide slipper of your dreams. These products aren’t innovative, they’re just things. Evolutionary dead ends when it comes to product developments.

But that dead end never stopped an American; an ad man, a Barnum, a huckster. At the top of this post there is a picture of a bacon bowl. This isn’t a bowl that looks like bacon, or has a bacon print on it, it’s a bowl MADE OF BACON. Because fuck me lads, “Everything tastes better in a bacon bowl.” Fabricate this shit in the microwave, or the toaster oven, or your real oven if you’re still a philistine that cooks with fire. We’re cooking with rays over here lads, and they can transmogrify bacon into a bleedin’ BOWL. The device itself is a piece of plastic that looks a lot like the old analog lemon juicers. Place bacon on there, microwave, and you’ve got a bacon bowl. It doesn’t even look all that large on the box art.

Why am I talking about this? Because this thing makes “Perfect” bacon bowls. I’m unfamiliar with the disaster that is an imperfect bacon bowl, but this thing typifies a mentality – It’s new, and it’s more than likely improved. But is it though? Is the strider that’s on late night tv any different to the one that was on sale last year? Is this pizza with fritos on top a vast improvement on the concept of a pizza? Honestly, it looks like a large step backwards to me.

Let’s divert into the rats nest that is Apple. Each year the Apple corporation has been putting out the same phone. No bullshit – it makes calls, it receives texts, it takes pictures. Oh but this year it has image stabilisation! Or this year it has a thumbprint scanner. Or this time it’s the size of a gideons bible in a hotel, so it looks like you’re talking into a fuckin’ ham sandwich, if you ever were to make a call on it. And with utter glee, people will point out that the iPhone you buy this year has the features that the Samsung Galaxy had four years ago. That doesn’t make iPhone buyers dumber, and it certainly doesn’t make Samsung buyers smarter. I get being an early adopter, and I get waiting until the technology is refined so that you can get a better version. But the changes have become so incremental as to be barely notable. And it’s very predictable with the phones now. One brand will have the newest features, the other will be the slickest, the others will be cheaper, but by and large I think you’ll find they all get Facebook and they all make phone calls. Not that anyone makes phone calls anymore.

Are the cappuccino lays an improvement on the world of potato chips? Or the chicken and waffles flavour. No, they’re just new. And that’s where the hucksters make their money. Either you’re going to buy a slight modification on an existing product, because of the novelty of it, or you’re going to buy the same thing again because it’s in a different box now.

It’s not like I’m mad at these people for selling this nonsense, I’m just aware that there’s a few things at play here. Probably the most important thing is the concept of built in obsolescence. If you’re unfamiliar, it basically means that products are manufactured to an inferior standard so you’ll need to replace them more frequently. You hear of cast iron pans that have seen three generations of cooking, and then your new (and improve) teflon, ultra nonstick pan that literally (literally I say!) is so nonstick that the food will hover about a 1/4 inch above the heated surface, flakes to shit within a year. Now there’s an argument that this isn’t actually a plan, and they just don’t make them like they used to, because the profit margins are higher, and you’d be right. The profit in a lot of this junk lies in the volume moved, not in the high sticker price. The flip side of that coin is that we can see the planning. The first generation of iPads didn’t have cameras, but the second did. You can probably imagine why. This practice bothers me, because that stuff does have high sticker prices. To probably not quote PT Barnum again “A fool and his money are soon parted.”

Another facet of this business model is that it’s cheaper to replace something than to repair it, largely because the percentage of repair shops has declined to the point that you’ll have difficulty even finding a place that will do maintenance. I don’t really have a general point here. This isn’t a uniquely American phenomenon, there’s plastic crap all over the world. Bottled drinking water, tourist tat, little keepsakes that are kept for the sake of the keeping itself. I just find it magnified here, because there’s a sale to be made. I see it everywhere. In the tv commercials it’s hard to find a genuinely new product, you just find an improved version of the old one. It’s cheaper, it’s faster, it’s prettier, it will revolutionize your life. I have noted it can be handy to have a light on my vacuum cleaner, but it’s hardly like man walking on the moon or discovering fire.

This new steam tight countertop oven cooks a 9 pound chicken in 15 minutes. This electric steam mop can clean anything off anything. These boner pills cause 40 percent less heart attacks that the leading brand! It’s mind boggling to see the audacity of some of this advertising. Companies will take pot shots at rival companies, either directly or indirectly. They’ll go back and forth, reacting to each other’s campaigns. I’ll admit some of these can be kind of clever, but they’re both selling a car. Some of the latest I’ve seen, the newest things in the automobile industry, are in car wifi and a touch sensor on the bumper that you can wave your foot at, and it’ll open the boot on its own. These cars still probably get less than 40 miles to the gallon, they still have 4 wheels, an assortment of seats, probably a steering wheel. Other innovations I’ve seen include a beep that lets you know when you’ve left your lane. And a beep that lets you know when you’re too close, or a beep that tells you something else. Lots of beeps.

Where the fuck are the flying cars. Or the self driving cars. Or the hyperloop, or the floating cities, or even those self-lacing shoes from back to the future. To paraphrase Fight Club – the greatest minds of our generation are pumping gas and waiting tables. It’s not that humanity, and American can’t innovate. American has done amazing things for the advancement of humanity. NASA invented duck tape, for example. CAT scans, MRIs, electric cars, advancements in renewable energy. Today, just a little while before I wrote this, the European Space agency landed the Philae probe on a comet. That’s way more astounding than a bacon bowl, or a car that has a new beep.

I’m not dismissing the creative genius that is putting corn chips on top of a pizza, but surely there’s something better we can do with our time? If we didn’t have to buy a new phone every year, would we have more time and money to concentrate on genuine advancements in technology? Or maybe we’re making plenty of advancements, and the people that spend their 60 hours a week saving the world just want to kick back, and drink a can of bud light clamato, whatever the fuck that is, and eat a fritos pizza. With some dessert topping in a bacon bowl.

I guess it takes all kinds. But come on. Novelty is not a substitute for substance.

Next Page »